I am feeling very melodramatic today.

[chess]

I don't know if that's the right word, but here are some snippets:

1) Maybe this holiday has been to teach me that my time is not, in fact, intrinsically valuable, because when I own it I waste it wholesale and don't even feel better for it; I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it. It remains to be seen whether this will make me less depressed when I go to work.

2) The world has that 'fall of the Roman Empire' feeling at the moment. Apart from the actual top of the pile, who make up a vanishingly small quantity of the human population, I am in fact just about at the pinnacle of human endeavour at the moment, in the 'how much stuff / free time / support I have' stakes. But there's a fear underneath it all - the barbarians are at the gates, and we've forgotten how to grow food.

3) Hell is that moment when you are depressed and you know that nothing will do any good and you're breathing in ready to sob again and the world goes red and pink and there's nothing but pain, physical and emotional pain all gathering into one, and you know that despite it all you will keep breathing and dry your eyes and carry on like nothing's wrong. Also, I'm not sure I have forgiven God for attempting to let me grow up. I want to be held and spoon-fed and told it is all okay, but I don't think I'm at the kind of stage where that will happen or would do any good.

4) I am deeply, deeply afraid. I am afraid that I will not be good enough at my job. I am afraid that civilisation will implode around me. I am afraid that the floor will give way and I will fall, screaming and naked, through other people's homes. I am afraid that I will give in to my self-destructive urges (which just seem to be getting worse) and stab myself or jump off a bridge or deliberatly mess up my medication. I am afraid that I am not doing enough for God (but I don't know what He wants from me). I am also cynical; I do not believe that anyone or anything can help me with my problems. I do not think that anything can take the pain away, no matter how much I want it gone.

5) I think I know what my personal morality is now, and it is rather strange. What I care about - what persists - is honesty and openness. My idea of the perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone, and all of the reasons why that is a bad idea are dealt with in various ways; the rest of my morality just follows from wanting to make that utter openness and transparancy practical. Of course, reality imposes on top of that; I know that God exists and is roughly in line with the general consensus on the Christian God and hence modify my practiced morality (the morality that I feel bad about breaking) accordingly. But at the heart of things, that is what I care about.

Comments

[ktx.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, two things.

Why do you think that a perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone? What do you feel you need to know about who?

How do you "know that God exists"?

[chess]

My main drive in life appears to be the acquisition of information. Most of the things which I instinctively think 'this is wrong' about, on further inspection, turn out to be barriers to the free exchange of information (for instance, if people want to take all my money and having no money is bad for me, giving out my bank access details freely is a bad idea). There is nothing specific that I desperately want to know which is driving this - I merely want to know everything, or at least not to feel that people are hiding things from me, or (perhaps more importantly) that I ought to be hiding things from other people.

I find it hard to explain why I 'know that God exists', because it has been a fundamental tenet of my worldview as long as I have had one. Some people might say it's due to indoctrination by my parents and the churches I was brought up in. Some people might point to the various uncanny co-incidences, generally referred to as 'miracles', that I have witnessed and been party to. I don't know, but I know, as much as I know that my computer is in front of me, that God exists.

I appologize for any wrong spellings in this post !

[(Anonymous)]

Your view fascinates me...

I interpret it as an aspect of my own viewpoint - where reality and everything
in it (us, the world, stars, spacedust) is basically a giant superorganism
if you will. A massive scramble of atoms (ever seen The Cube?) in constant
motion; continuous evolution of forms being created, destroyed, and re-created
in new form. A considerably long time has passed...enough that this giant mass
of matter has formed 'eyes' to percieve itself, in order to fully understand
itself. Collectively, this entity can be called 'God' if you wish. In short:
"we are star stuff. the universe, manifest, trying to figure itself out".

*We* - the human form - are its eyes, and when we communicate amongst
ourselves, we are exchanging information about what we think we are, as well
as info. on how to better this quest i.e. how to improve our eyes. Some of
these eyes are rubbish (animals & unintelligent people), some are superb (scientists, historians, mathmeticians). Another way to think of it is like
if a large smooth rock, developed stalks with eyes & later, mouths ...and
each told related what they could see from their standing point. Then these
stalks broke away and developed legs, and walked about the rock to find out
what it was, and to bring this info. back to the others ...and later, some
even started to dig up rock to mold into a ladder, as to get a new, higher
prespective on it all ....and stalks kept forming, but sometimes new stalks
didn't realise what everyone was doing, and found it hard to make head or tail
of it. The stalks *most* effected by this (the 'unknown' purpose of life) got
depressed or committed suicide. Others simply hermited. Those stalks lucky
enough to find other coping mechanisms - decided to be proactive, and walk in
a direction, even if they didn't know where they were going - hoping that,
perhaps, the 'truth' and 'answer' to this seemingly absurd existence is more
likely to be discovered *out there*, instead of hoping it would miraculously
come to them. Perhaps a 'quest' is much better than a 'wait'? Even if it seems
a little scary....

In fact, lmost every stalk out there, feels a bit of uncertainty, but some
push it down, and let their confidence and faith take over. Others simply
put on a mask, and pretend to the world, they are sure of everything. The
truth is, no one really knows what this reality is about, and why we are here.
But FINDING OUT is surely the best course of action, while we are in the dark.

When everything is ONE, every single part of this united entity, should,
logically, be completely aware of every single other part of itself. In other
words, it should be entirely Self-Knowing. Something occured, where the
universe got blown to bits, and its collective consciousness spread out among
the debris. The forming of planets, stars, nebular clouds & the rest, are its
attempt to piece itself back together. Where consciousness collects together
most, 'eyes' are created, in the form of Us. Our goal is to figure out what
we are, what went wrong, and how to put ourselves back together again.

We are broken pieces of a large jigsaw, known as God. Thefore, God too, is
broken. We are made in his image. The higher we ascend on the path to self
knowing, the stronger God (everything collectively, of which we are apart)
becomes ...and in turn, he is able to help us on our quest more. A massive,
almost infinate journey, of self-discovery and self-healing.

The more we know of what IS, the more predictions we can make of what WILL BE
and what WAS. Every second that passes, the present, past and future are
continously merging together. One day, in some distant future, we will be one
entity (one with God, instead of disjointed, and in seperate form) and
knowledge of our pasts, presents and futures will be intrinsic.


Until then, the exchange of information - new, old & current - is our main
goal; the "aquisition of information" will see us to our rise.



Please excuse the ramble format, I shall condense this if I get more time.

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

I think you should go talk to a psychotherapist / counsellor. I do, and it's always an interesting conversation, and sometimes helpful.

[chess]

Going to a counsellor generally makes me feel that I am wasting both of our time, probably my money, and that I have this fundamental disconnect with normal people that makes the conversation meaningless.

Your turmoil,pain,depression and sense of desperation

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Michelle,
My heart truly goes out to you.
I am much,much older than you and let me tell you from all my experience of being rejected in love,of experiencing the awful snobberies,vanities and cruelties of my fellow human beings-this is STILL a beautiful world.I praise and bless every day I live.
Listen to the birds sing,watch a sunset,read the Bible,play some of the great compositions of Bach,Beethoven,Schubert.
Find someone who needs your love and care-an old person,a sick person,a lonely person-and discover joy in showing them love.
Above all NEVER,NEVER,NEVER please think about harming yourself.Contrary to what the capitalist system,the advertising industry and the pornography industry might tell you-they are the tools of Satan who is the prince of liars and deceivers!!-your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and your life infinitely of value and worth.That is why Jesus died for you and for me too.
May God bless you and keep you safe this night and for evermore.

[ahsu.livejournal.com]

Listen to marnanel. He's talking sense.

Are those meds you're on something to help control depression/moodswings? Or are they for something else? Because if they're there to help control things, they aren't working. Get thee to a psychiatrist, tout suite, please.

I've always thought hell couldn't hold that many horrors to someone who has been through a really bad depression. You're sure painting a picture that sounds depressingly familiar to me. And it's so hard to value yourself or ask for help.

Is there someone you trust who can either make an appointment for you or at least hold your hand while you make the call? I finally asked smplmn to do it for me, because I was too frightened (of the phone itself, among other things) to make the call myself. Sometimes having someone present you with the appointment as a fait accompli gets you off dead center. And when you're depressed, you need it.

Listen carefully, because a lot of us are trying to say this. I love you.

[chess]

No, the medication is all for physical things (although that's one I left off my trigger list - forgetting to take my inhaler makes it difficult to breathe, which brings on the 'everything is not quite real' version). I feel especially averse to taking the problem to medical professionals because if I just drank enough water, ate properly, and took all my medication properly, I would mostly not go through any of this (a bit before illnesses if I'm unlucky).

[zebbiejohnson.livejournal.com]

I have a similar thing though not the same extent - when I am in alert stage I know that drinking at least 2 pints of water a day and taking lots and lots of multivits with iron makes me significantly happier, healthier and more optimistic within a couple of hours. However I don't really believe this and it's a lot of hassle when I am dehydrated and 'meh', and find it easier then to think that that lightheadedness and irritablity are because the world is confusing and awful and I am sick. Given that stage two can come on in the course of a night if I get too hot in my sleep (which I will do inevitably as I require about a foot of duvet thickness to feel secure) I really need to develop a routine that involves forcing water down my throat immediately. However, this is a lot more effort somehow than just kind of loping along and bemoaning my dry mouth and unkind universe. I also then fail to be motivated to eat as it seems awfully difficult to picture what is required to *start*- too many choices and prerequisites to make it worth bothering with. If you are given a solution to this issue, please let me know.

[atreic.livejournal.com]

As far as 1 goes, I found when I started the job, and had to do the next thing that needed doing because it needed doing now things got better than when I could just stay in all morning watching Buffy. It might not work for everyone though.

[lowellboyslash.livejournal.com]

Firstly: find a way to make yourself drink water, take medication, etc.

Secondly:
I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it.

I know exactly what you mean, and I know how depressing that can be. My solution is to get involved in more activities (including gaming campaigns and the like). I suspect you already do that, but for me, anyway, it doesn't hurt to be reminded that, oh, right, I like being insanely busy.

[zebbiejohnson.livejournal.com]

I have no authority to speculate on what God wants and no divine inspiration here, but maybe what He wants from you at the moment is to experience this so that you have this background at some unspecified future date when it comes in handy?
Also, maybe you in your suffering and faith are an example to other people whose faith is shaken by bad experiences, that yours are worse because you don't have a cause and you have it everyday and yet you don't curse God and still put Him first. I know that I find that both humbling and inspirational.

[zebbiejohnson.livejournal.com]

Note, I shall mention that I'm also easily inspired by books and so on and I'm sure other people could be too, when praying, just in case my option two above is a factor :-p

[pavanne.livejournal.com]

I certainly get feeling 2) as well. I am hoping it is an illogical fear that people have had since the beginning of everything, whether they live in a civilisation on the brink of collapse or not.

I wish I could say something comforting.

What does God want?

[(Anonymous)]

As you know God works his wonders indirectly.
Wishing for a brand new shiny LARP sword (or
whatever is your current love) will not magically
appear on the doorstep. However, having faith
often manifests in outward radiance of confidence,
smiles and strength, which more often than not,
are returned by others ... bringing the possibility
of someone purchasing you a sword out of niceness
and/or attracting money through kindness / work
opportunity / trading - to buy it with.

God works his wonders indirectly. :)

So God works his wonders through the people, objects
and landscape that is around you. This includes
myself. While I don't claim to be a world authority
on God, I think my unexplained compulsion to sit
here and write this to you, despite the fact you
are a stranger to me, is magical enough to make much
of my words, meaningful.



***

What does God want?

1. He wants you to be happy.
2. He wants you to contribute to the 'figuring out' of
the reality around you, to the Best of your ability.
3. He wants you to achieve a balance between 1. and 2.
because if you aren't happy, you are less likely to
go in this specified direction, & you are less likely
to do whatever you choose, to the best of your ability.

***



Now what does "contribute to the figuring out of the
reality around you" mean?

- It means jobs / volunteered quests to acquire new information
about the past, present & future and/or to continuously verify
that info. which we think we know. (It can always be wrong).
- It also means sustaining the existence of people who do the
above e.g. being a doctor, or a councilor, or a teacher who
teaches research skills.

Obviously some tasks are more valuable than others, or can
be percieved as such. Ultimately, the value of every single
task out there, is up to you. Do your research, gather the
opinions of others, weight out your own feelings, and come
up with a conclusion. Whenever you are in a position where
you need to access the value of a few tasks that appear
around you, afterwards have a think about whether it would
make you happy. Remember that you need to find a balance
between contributing to the world, and being mentally happy
and physically healthy. Sometimes, we need to experience
things to find out, when words and opinions are not enough.
Trial and error. Remember it is better to be proactive in
an unknown direction, than static, where really, you know
that nothing is likely to come along. The person who can
"save" you most, is yourself. Make lists. With tick Boxes.

Piece of advice - whenever you have thoughts, make them physical.
Making things 'practical' WILL take you foward.
Make lists. Have tick boxes. Make them public (through displaying
them publically to your partner/friends...on a notice board
for everyone to see and/or on livejournal). This will encourage
you more than you think. You will complete tasks just to avoid
embarrasment. Jobs / tasks / hobbies - make lists of pros and cons.
Daily eating / daily higene - make lists, and place them somewhere
public. How embarrasing would it be to not tick such things, as
drink water or have a shower? Public lists encourage you to do things.
Once in the habit, these things will come naturally.