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I don't know if that's the right word, but here are some snippets:
1) Maybe this holiday has been to teach me that my time is not, in fact, intrinsically valuable, because when I own it I waste it wholesale and don't even feel better for it; I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it. It remains to be seen whether this will make me less depressed when I go to work.
2) The world has that 'fall of the Roman Empire' feeling at the moment. Apart from the actual top of the pile, who make up a vanishingly small quantity of the human population, I am in fact just about at the pinnacle of human endeavour at the moment, in the 'how much stuff / free time / support I have' stakes. But there's a fear underneath it all - the barbarians are at the gates, and we've forgotten how to grow food.
3) Hell is that moment when you are depressed and you know that nothing will do any good and you're breathing in ready to sob again and the world goes red and pink and there's nothing but pain, physical and emotional pain all gathering into one, and you know that despite it all you will keep breathing and dry your eyes and carry on like nothing's wrong. Also, I'm not sure I have forgiven God for attempting to let me grow up. I want to be held and spoon-fed and told it is all okay, but I don't think I'm at the kind of stage where that will happen or would do any good.
4) I am deeply, deeply afraid. I am afraid that I will not be good enough at my job. I am afraid that civilisation will implode around me. I am afraid that the floor will give way and I will fall, screaming and naked, through other people's homes. I am afraid that I will give in to my self-destructive urges (which just seem to be getting worse) and stab myself or jump off a bridge or deliberatly mess up my medication. I am afraid that I am not doing enough for God (but I don't know what He wants from me). I am also cynical; I do not believe that anyone or anything can help me with my problems. I do not think that anything can take the pain away, no matter how much I want it gone.
5) I think I know what my personal morality is now, and it is rather strange. What I care about - what persists - is honesty and openness. My idea of the perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone, and all of the reasons why that is a bad idea are dealt with in various ways; the rest of my morality just follows from wanting to make that utter openness and transparancy practical. Of course, reality imposes on top of that; I know that God exists and is roughly in line with the general consensus on the Christian God and hence modify my practiced morality (the morality that I feel bad about breaking) accordingly. But at the heart of things, that is what I care about.
1) Maybe this holiday has been to teach me that my time is not, in fact, intrinsically valuable, because when I own it I waste it wholesale and don't even feel better for it; I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it. It remains to be seen whether this will make me less depressed when I go to work.
2) The world has that 'fall of the Roman Empire' feeling at the moment. Apart from the actual top of the pile, who make up a vanishingly small quantity of the human population, I am in fact just about at the pinnacle of human endeavour at the moment, in the 'how much stuff / free time / support I have' stakes. But there's a fear underneath it all - the barbarians are at the gates, and we've forgotten how to grow food.
3) Hell is that moment when you are depressed and you know that nothing will do any good and you're breathing in ready to sob again and the world goes red and pink and there's nothing but pain, physical and emotional pain all gathering into one, and you know that despite it all you will keep breathing and dry your eyes and carry on like nothing's wrong. Also, I'm not sure I have forgiven God for attempting to let me grow up. I want to be held and spoon-fed and told it is all okay, but I don't think I'm at the kind of stage where that will happen or would do any good.
4) I am deeply, deeply afraid. I am afraid that I will not be good enough at my job. I am afraid that civilisation will implode around me. I am afraid that the floor will give way and I will fall, screaming and naked, through other people's homes. I am afraid that I will give in to my self-destructive urges (which just seem to be getting worse) and stab myself or jump off a bridge or deliberatly mess up my medication. I am afraid that I am not doing enough for God (but I don't know what He wants from me). I am also cynical; I do not believe that anyone or anything can help me with my problems. I do not think that anything can take the pain away, no matter how much I want it gone.
5) I think I know what my personal morality is now, and it is rather strange. What I care about - what persists - is honesty and openness. My idea of the perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone, and all of the reasons why that is a bad idea are dealt with in various ways; the rest of my morality just follows from wanting to make that utter openness and transparancy practical. Of course, reality imposes on top of that; I know that God exists and is roughly in line with the general consensus on the Christian God and hence modify my practiced morality (the morality that I feel bad about breaking) accordingly. But at the heart of things, that is what I care about.
What does God want?
Date: 2006-09-10 12:17 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Wishing for a brand new shiny LARP sword (or
whatever is your current love) will not magically
appear on the doorstep. However, having faith
often manifests in outward radiance of confidence,
smiles and strength, which more often than not,
are returned by others ... bringing the possibility
of someone purchasing you a sword out of niceness
and/or attracting money through kindness / work
opportunity / trading - to buy it with.
God works his wonders indirectly. :)
So God works his wonders through the people, objects
and landscape that is around you. This includes
myself. While I don't claim to be a world authority
on God, I think my unexplained compulsion to sit
here and write this to you, despite the fact you
are a stranger to me, is magical enough to make much
of my words, meaningful.
***
What does God want?
1. He wants you to be happy.
2. He wants you to contribute to the 'figuring out' of
the reality around you, to the Best of your ability.
3. He wants you to achieve a balance between 1. and 2.
because if you aren't happy, you are less likely to
go in this specified direction, & you are less likely
to do whatever you choose, to the best of your ability.
***
Now what does "contribute to the figuring out of the
reality around you" mean?
- It means jobs / volunteered quests to acquire new information
about the past, present & future and/or to continuously verify
that info. which we think we know. (It can always be wrong).
- It also means sustaining the existence of people who do the
above e.g. being a doctor, or a councilor, or a teacher who
teaches research skills.
Obviously some tasks are more valuable than others, or can
be percieved as such. Ultimately, the value of every single
task out there, is up to you. Do your research, gather the
opinions of others, weight out your own feelings, and come
up with a conclusion. Whenever you are in a position where
you need to access the value of a few tasks that appear
around you, afterwards have a think about whether it would
make you happy. Remember that you need to find a balance
between contributing to the world, and being mentally happy
and physically healthy. Sometimes, we need to experience
things to find out, when words and opinions are not enough.
Trial and error. Remember it is better to be proactive in
an unknown direction, than static, where really, you know
that nothing is likely to come along. The person who can
"save" you most, is yourself. Make lists. With tick Boxes.
Piece of advice - whenever you have thoughts, make them physical.
Making things 'practical' WILL take you foward.
Make lists. Have tick boxes. Make them public (through displaying
them publically to your partner/friends...on a notice board
for everyone to see and/or on livejournal). This will encourage
you more than you think. You will complete tasks just to avoid
embarrasment. Jobs / tasks / hobbies - make lists of pros and cons.
Daily eating / daily higene - make lists, and place them somewhere
public. How embarrasing would it be to not tick such things, as
drink water or have a shower? Public lists encourage you to do things.
Once in the habit, these things will come naturally.