I am feeling very melodramatic today.

[chess]

I don't know if that's the right word, but here are some snippets:

1) Maybe this holiday has been to teach me that my time is not, in fact, intrinsically valuable, because when I own it I waste it wholesale and don't even feel better for it; I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it. It remains to be seen whether this will make me less depressed when I go to work.

2) The world has that 'fall of the Roman Empire' feeling at the moment. Apart from the actual top of the pile, who make up a vanishingly small quantity of the human population, I am in fact just about at the pinnacle of human endeavour at the moment, in the 'how much stuff / free time / support I have' stakes. But there's a fear underneath it all - the barbarians are at the gates, and we've forgotten how to grow food.

3) Hell is that moment when you are depressed and you know that nothing will do any good and you're breathing in ready to sob again and the world goes red and pink and there's nothing but pain, physical and emotional pain all gathering into one, and you know that despite it all you will keep breathing and dry your eyes and carry on like nothing's wrong. Also, I'm not sure I have forgiven God for attempting to let me grow up. I want to be held and spoon-fed and told it is all okay, but I don't think I'm at the kind of stage where that will happen or would do any good.

4) I am deeply, deeply afraid. I am afraid that I will not be good enough at my job. I am afraid that civilisation will implode around me. I am afraid that the floor will give way and I will fall, screaming and naked, through other people's homes. I am afraid that I will give in to my self-destructive urges (which just seem to be getting worse) and stab myself or jump off a bridge or deliberatly mess up my medication. I am afraid that I am not doing enough for God (but I don't know what He wants from me). I am also cynical; I do not believe that anyone or anything can help me with my problems. I do not think that anything can take the pain away, no matter how much I want it gone.

5) I think I know what my personal morality is now, and it is rather strange. What I care about - what persists - is honesty and openness. My idea of the perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone, and all of the reasons why that is a bad idea are dealt with in various ways; the rest of my morality just follows from wanting to make that utter openness and transparancy practical. Of course, reality imposes on top of that; I know that God exists and is roughly in line with the general consensus on the Christian God and hence modify my practiced morality (the morality that I feel bad about breaking) accordingly. But at the heart of things, that is what I care about.

Comments

[ktx.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, two things.

Why do you think that a perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone? What do you feel you need to know about who?

How do you "know that God exists"?

[chess]

My main drive in life appears to be the acquisition of information. Most of the things which I instinctively think 'this is wrong' about, on further inspection, turn out to be barriers to the free exchange of information (for instance, if people want to take all my money and having no money is bad for me, giving out my bank access details freely is a bad idea). There is nothing specific that I desperately want to know which is driving this - I merely want to know everything, or at least not to feel that people are hiding things from me, or (perhaps more importantly) that I ought to be hiding things from other people.

I find it hard to explain why I 'know that God exists', because it has been a fundamental tenet of my worldview as long as I have had one. Some people might say it's due to indoctrination by my parents and the churches I was brought up in. Some people might point to the various uncanny co-incidences, generally referred to as 'miracles', that I have witnessed and been party to. I don't know, but I know, as much as I know that my computer is in front of me, that God exists.

I appologize for any wrong spellings in this post !

[(Anonymous)]

Your view fascinates me...

I interpret it as an aspect of my own viewpoint - where reality and everything
in it (us, the world, stars, spacedust) is basically a giant superorganism
if you will. A massive scramble of atoms (ever seen The Cube?) in constant
motion; continuous evolution of forms being created, destroyed, and re-created
in new form. A considerably long time has passed...enough that this giant mass
of matter has formed 'eyes' to percieve itself, in order to fully understand
itself. Collectively, this entity can be called 'God' if you wish. In short:
"we are star stuff. the universe, manifest, trying to figure itself out".

*We* - the human form - are its eyes, and when we communicate amongst
ourselves, we are exchanging information about what we think we are, as well
as info. on how to better this quest i.e. how to improve our eyes. Some of
these eyes are rubbish (animals & unintelligent people), some are superb (scientists, historians, mathmeticians). Another way to think of it is like
if a large smooth rock, developed stalks with eyes & later, mouths ...and
each told related what they could see from their standing point. Then these
stalks broke away and developed legs, and walked about the rock to find out
what it was, and to bring this info. back to the others ...and later, some
even started to dig up rock to mold into a ladder, as to get a new, higher
prespective on it all ....and stalks kept forming, but sometimes new stalks
didn't realise what everyone was doing, and found it hard to make head or tail
of it. The stalks *most* effected by this (the 'unknown' purpose of life) got
depressed or committed suicide. Others simply hermited. Those stalks lucky
enough to find other coping mechanisms - decided to be proactive, and walk in
a direction, even if they didn't know where they were going - hoping that,
perhaps, the 'truth' and 'answer' to this seemingly absurd existence is more
likely to be discovered *out there*, instead of hoping it would miraculously
come to them. Perhaps a 'quest' is much better than a 'wait'? Even if it seems
a little scary....

In fact, lmost every stalk out there, feels a bit of uncertainty, but some
push it down, and let their confidence and faith take over. Others simply
put on a mask, and pretend to the world, they are sure of everything. The
truth is, no one really knows what this reality is about, and why we are here.
But FINDING OUT is surely the best course of action, while we are in the dark.

When everything is ONE, every single part of this united entity, should,
logically, be completely aware of every single other part of itself. In other
words, it should be entirely Self-Knowing. Something occured, where the
universe got blown to bits, and its collective consciousness spread out among
the debris. The forming of planets, stars, nebular clouds & the rest, are its
attempt to piece itself back together. Where consciousness collects together
most, 'eyes' are created, in the form of Us. Our goal is to figure out what
we are, what went wrong, and how to put ourselves back together again.

We are broken pieces of a large jigsaw, known as God. Thefore, God too, is
broken. We are made in his image. The higher we ascend on the path to self
knowing, the stronger God (everything collectively, of which we are apart)
becomes ...and in turn, he is able to help us on our quest more. A massive,
almost infinate journey, of self-discovery and self-healing.

The more we know of what IS, the more predictions we can make of what WILL BE
and what WAS. Every second that passes, the present, past and future are
continously merging together. One day, in some distant future, we will be one
entity (one with God, instead of disjointed, and in seperate form) and
knowledge of our pasts, presents and futures will be intrinsic.


Until then, the exchange of information - new, old & current - is our main
goal; the "aquisition of information" will see us to our rise.



Please excuse the ramble format, I shall condense this if I get more time.