(no subject)

[chess]

I feel a little irritated that I didn't get to the LJ picnic today, but on the other hand my dissertation did need some love. It is still an anemic 5.2k words, but that's rather better than it was this morning.

Yesterday, amongst failing to do work, I went on a nightbash with TT, which was fantastic. Mostly because I desperately needed to get out in the fresh air and run around a bit.

I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, but I feel something of a fraud as my 'depression' appears to be basically entirely the fault of my project and exam doom and job worries rather than anything more fundamental, given how it lifts when I make progress and when I get out of the working context. Also, I probably should be spending the time working on my dissertation. But I feel guilty about cancelling at short notice, even though I suspect it will just be wasted, frustrating time on both sides. (I don't get on with counselling anyway; counsellors in my experience are all intensely social people who expect responses from me that it's quite exhausting to either give or explain the absence of.)

Comments

[ahsu.livejournal.com]

Seconded. I can tell you from experience that you can be genuinely depressed, and go from a high-pressure situation (like thesis) to a low-pressure situation (like hanging around with friends) and feel much better, but still be genuinely depressed. And you know you're enjoying yourself, so you think you're not depressed, and you feel guilty for feeling good. (That is so ass-backwards I can hardly stand it, but I've been there, so I know that's what happens.)

It's not so much that counselors are sociable people, as it's their job to help you express yourself and figure out what, if anything, is tripping you up, and to deal with it. Hence the questions. If you can't answer a question, that's fine, but it's well worth thinking about the question (or all of them) between sessions.

This is me nagging, but have you seen a psychiatrist to discuss meds? Your depression is extended and intractible by the looks of it, and IMO you need to discuss it with an MD. Ask your counselor how you go about it if you haven't already done it, and if you're already taking something and it isn't working (which it obviously isn't) go back to the psychiatrist and be very insistent that you try something else.

Squishy love.

[angelofthenorth.livejournal.com]

Seconded on the questions. If you don't answer them, or you struggle, then let them go, or say "I'm struggling" - a good counsellor will break it down into little bits of question for you. By struggling so hard to answer, you're not actually helping yourself, because counsellors need to know what you can't answer.
Yes, there is work involved, and it's good that you're trying to answer the questions. But sometimes the right answer is "I can't answer" - knowing that you don't know.

Most counsellors aren't sociable people, in fact. Many of them are shy, insecure, and like the structure of the counselling room in order to talk to people. They know this, and deal with it in their own counselling sessions, and are thus able to empathise and see when you're struggling. However, you have to say openly "I'm struggling" - it's not about giving up, or trying to be superwoman. It's about being real with who you are. If she said 'I can see you're finding that difficult', short term that would help, but long term it disempowers you.

Seeing a psychiatrist can be done via the UCS. You don't have to go to Addenbrooke's.

[chess]

I have this general desire not to be medicated, mostly stemming from my parents mocking my aunt who went on anti-depressants. Also, Nicholas has expressed the opinion that he is scared I wouldn't be me any more, which is probably a slightly unfair portayal of his actual views, but he has expressed this opinion and it colours my thoughts.

It is also quite hard to seperate 'Asperger's Syndrome' and 'Depression' - in general, the latter basically goes with the first due to reduced energy due to having to use large quantities of it on everyday things, but isn't receptive to medication in the usual manner, because asperger's syndrome already provides plenty of 'my brain is wired wrong' which isn't always taken into account properly. (I have horror stories from other aspies who have gone on anti-depressants and it has really screwed them up.)

[omniscient-fool.livejournal.com]

Hi Chess, hope it all went well today and you managed to get something out of the session. Just wanted to say (although you probably realise this already) if you do decide to try medication not to do it now! Most anti-depressants take 2-4 weeks to start lifting your mood so would be too late to help you through the exam period. On the other hand any side effects (which it sounds like you might have to expect) and the general crappiness of your body adjusting to the meds would hit you right in time to totally screw things up. It shows real strength of character that you're trying to sort yourself out without meds, but do remember that if you do need them, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. In most cases (if you have a responsible doctor) meds are only used to help break the cycle of depression and give yourself a window in which to make changes to your behaviour, address issues etc with the help of therapy or counselling so that you can be ok again when you come off the meds. And btw you are in no way a fraud. This is exactly what UCS are there for.