chess | (no subject)

(no subject)

I feel a little irritated that I didn't get to the LJ picnic today, but on the other hand my dissertation did need some love. It is still an anemic 5.2k words, but that's rather better than it was this morning.

Yesterday, amongst failing to do work, I went on a nightbash with TT, which was fantastic. Mostly because I desperately needed to get out in the fresh air and run around a bit.

I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, but I feel something of a fraud as my 'depression' appears to be basically entirely the fault of my project and exam doom and job worries rather than anything more fundamental, given how it lifts when I make progress and when I get out of the working context. Also, I probably should be spending the time working on my dissertation. But I feel guilty about cancelling at short notice, even though I suspect it will just be wasted, frustrating time on both sides. (I don't get on with counselling anyway; counsellors in my experience are all intensely social people who expect responses from me that it's quite exhausting to either give or explain the absence of.)

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Mood shouldn't be context dependent. If you're feeling like a fraud, then it's a good indication that you ought to be going...

Seconded. I can tell you from experience that you can be genuinely depressed, and go from a high-pressure situation (like thesis) to a low-pressure situation (like hanging around with friends) and feel much better, but still be genuinely depressed. And you know you're enjoying yourself, so you think you're not depressed, and you feel guilty for feeling good. (That is so ass-backwards I can hardly stand it, but I've been there, so I know that's what happens.)

It's not so much that counselors are sociable people, as it's their job to help you express yourself and figure out what, if anything, is tripping you up, and to deal with it. Hence the questions. If you can't answer a question, that's fine, but it's well worth thinking about the question (or all of them) between sessions.

This is me nagging, but have you seen a psychiatrist to discuss meds? Your depression is extended and intractible by the looks of it, and IMO you need to discuss it with an MD. Ask your counselor how you go about it if you haven't already done it, and if you're already taking something and it isn't working (which it obviously isn't) go back to the psychiatrist and be very insistent that you try something else.

Squishy love.

Seconded on the questions. If you don't answer them, or you struggle, then let them go, or say "I'm struggling" - a good counsellor will break it down into little bits of question for you. By struggling so hard to answer, you're not actually helping yourself, because counsellors need to know what you can't answer.
Yes, there is work involved, and it's good that you're trying to answer the questions. But sometimes the right answer is "I can't answer" - knowing that you don't know.

Most counsellors aren't sociable people, in fact. Many of them are shy, insecure, and like the structure of the counselling room in order to talk to people. They know this, and deal with it in their own counselling sessions, and are thus able to empathise and see when you're struggling. However, you have to say openly "I'm struggling" - it's not about giving up, or trying to be superwoman. It's about being real with who you are. If she said 'I can see you're finding that difficult', short term that would help, but long term it disempowers you.

Seeing a psychiatrist can be done via the UCS. You don't have to go to Addenbrooke's.

I have this general desire not to be medicated, mostly stemming from my parents mocking my aunt who went on anti-depressants. Also, Nicholas has expressed the opinion that he is scared I wouldn't be me any more, which is probably a slightly unfair portayal of his actual views, but he has expressed this opinion and it colours my thoughts.

It is also quite hard to seperate 'Asperger's Syndrome' and 'Depression' - in general, the latter basically goes with the first due to reduced energy due to having to use large quantities of it on everyday things, but isn't receptive to medication in the usual manner, because asperger's syndrome already provides plenty of 'my brain is wired wrong' which isn't always taken into account properly. (I have horror stories from other aspies who have gone on anti-depressants and it has really screwed them up.)

Hi Chess, hope it all went well today and you managed to get something out of the session. Just wanted to say (although you probably realise this already) if you do decide to try medication not to do it now! Most anti-depressants take 2-4 weeks to start lifting your mood so would be too late to help you through the exam period. On the other hand any side effects (which it sounds like you might have to expect) and the general crappiness of your body adjusting to the meds would hit you right in time to totally screw things up. It shows real strength of character that you're trying to sort yourself out without meds, but do remember that if you do need them, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. In most cases (if you have a responsible doctor) meds are only used to help break the cycle of depression and give yourself a window in which to make changes to your behaviour, address issues etc with the help of therapy or counselling so that you can be ok again when you come off the meds. And btw you are in no way a fraud. This is exactly what UCS are there for.

"Mood shouldn't be context dependent"

Really? I suspect everyone on the planet, every person in history, is going to turn out to be depressive by that criteria. Jesus' moods swung pretty drastically between different contexts (although of course I can't produce a Bible verse saying 'Jesus didn't suffer from any mental illnesses').

I'm inclinded to think the reverse, if you mood isn't context dependent then something is seriously screwed with you. If your mood has no relation to any stuff in reality, at all, then you're probably in some kind of weird denial or numb state.

I confess to being curious as to whether are you about to advise me that I should urgently see my GP based on the (correct) guess that my moods are context dependent.

OK, so closely context dependent.

I get *stressed* when there's stuff going on, but having battled and overcome depression over the last few years, I now know that even when things are really tough, I don't have to be down all the time.

It's hard to explain properly. When I study, I have major focus problems, and I find that all my feelings of inadequacy surface. I'm intelligent, I feel as if I should be able to do this. A lot of the time I will attempt to avoid things, but that doesn't help. I either need to revise the way I do things, or I need to revise my expectation set. Either of which will put me in a different mood from the one I'm in presently. Within that mood my temperament may shine through, and I will act appropriately to a situation. I'm trying to find a way of expressing the difference between a short-term problem (oh, it's just this dissertation) and the long term one (it's this entire final year).

I suppose it's the difference between mood and temperament. Jesus had a temperament that was appropriate for the situation.

In the short-term one, there's a sense of light at the end of the tunnel (and some counselling may be appropriate), but the longer term one, although it may end soon, will benefit from counselling, because long term stress happens in life, and being able to adjust oneself in order to deal with it is a crucial lifeskill if we're going to live in the fullness of God's grace and mercy. I have to address my studying issues, because I find the same distraction happens in other realms, but it's not as obvious, however the problem builds up and becomes intractable.

My concern for

chess is that this has been going on all year.

No, I wouldn't advise anyone to see their GP, unless I'd been reading their LJ for several weeks, talked to them online a number of times, or they were apparently going into meltdown.

Just to add my 2p worth (as one who doesn't know you well, but does have experience of both depression and ASD-type stuff, I think that basically it can't do any harm. When I went on medication the first obvious effect was that I tidied my office. Not especially deleterious.

That's quite funny. If you could get a medication that could frequently produce that effect imagine the market with parents!

http://www.flylady.net

The first sign that I'm out of SAD-zone is that all my spaces are tidy and I develop routines again.

Wow, your councilor asks you questions?
Mine says hello and then just sits there in silence and waits for me to fill the gap. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing or talking about or what is relevant for her to hear, she also won't offer opinions or suggestions or advice as they aren't what counselling is for, she is also adamant it isnt a question and answer session. Even Poppy responds if I talk to her and she doesnt speak english!
We sat there in silence not looking at each other for ten mins of the last session because I thought I wait to see what *she* would do, as I had no data to work on as to what I was supposed to be doing. I am happy to talk but need a prompt as to what, and occasional response or reply or ideally reciprocal data exchange or I stop again, in accordance with the Standard Rules Of Having Conversations.

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