I just thought you should know that I am feeling very depressed.

[chess]

I am currently in one of those 'I am worthless, woe is me' moods.

This is because nobody has successfully managed to lift the belief that I've done everything that I came here for - everything useful I will ever do in my life - and I ought not to exist any more, because the only thing I'm capable of is causing people suffering.

This isn't helped by worrying that Nicholas won't like Word Alive and will be miserable for the whole week because of me, like at the CU Houseparty I dragged him to, and have wasted money and holiday time on it. It also isn't helped by my supervision having been delayed for an hour, giving me time in which I can do little else but sit around and be morbid - I can't get on with Group Project stuff because I'm waiting on other people having done things, I can't get on with supervision work because I need to be in my room with all my notes to do the only bit that's outstanding, I can't sort out the Room Ballot thing because I need to hear back from my parents, I can't tidy my room or clean it because I'm in the lab, not there, I don't have enough unblankness to write anything that people will enjoy reading, and whenever I try and pray it always gets around to 'but I'm so useless I don't see why You put up with me' and then I start to cry, which is not the best of things to do in a public computer room.

Only ten more minutes to my supervision; but the depression is an ongoing thing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's being caused by the Group Project stress, but I've basically not got up all this year - I lost how to live in the summer, lost even more of it over Christmas, and now I can't find any joy in anything. Life still has its moments, but the background level is lower than it used to be, I'm sure - instead of looking forwards to a time when I can do whatever God's been preparing me for, I feel like I've done it and now I'm just dead weight, that I'm finished with. And a part of me wants that because it means I can be lazy and not do anything and not bother (which is different to not worrying, but it also pretends that the difference doesn't exist).

Also, I have Not Been Drinking Enough Water. Recently my water bottles seem to catch the dreaded Tastes Of Algae disease almost immediately, and I've been spending a lot of time in the lab where I'm not allowed to bring water. This really doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions for keeping water bottles fresh? I think I would be an awful lot happier just through the simple expedient of eating better and staying properly hydrated.

Comments

[ahsu.livejournal.com]

Hi there, chessypig. You're in the wrong place; how can I feed you chocolate brownies and tea if you're all the way Over There? I love you very much, did you know that? I don't say it often, I suppose.

I very much second the above recommendation to go to a doctor and see about getting screened for depression. Medication can be a big help. You might also see if you can get some counseling -- you have some extra stresses to deal with that the average person doesn't have to deal with, and some help in talking it out might be a good thing. I talk to a doc every two weeks about coping with BPD; it's invaluable.

A very wise man once suggested to an acquaintance of mine that it was foolish to try and evaluate one's faith when one was feeling depressed; you have no ability to be objective about it. I suggest yelling at God on a regular basis (God can take it, trust me) and not worrying too much about whether you have divine favor at the moment. If you look at the Bible, God favored an awful lot of people who were far from perfect. You might read Psalms; David must have been haunted by depression judging by some of what's in there. He spent a lot of time yelling at God, too. And whining. And David was a major screwup at times, even while he was busy being one of the best kings Israel ever had.

[chess]

Unfortunately since my aunt's experience of anti-depressents my mother would proabably slaughter me for suggesting them, so that's unlikely. Counselling would require time, which I don't really have.

I don't really do tea; I have some instant hot chocolate which I've made myself two cups of in the entire time I've been at university so far. I wonder if it ever goes off.

Thank you.

[ahsu.livejournal.com]

Mmm. I wouldn't normally say this, since I generally believe it's best to be open about things, but if you continue to have bad bouts with depression you might consider getting screened and simply not telling your mother. Of course, that depends on how good you are at keeping secrets, and there is no point in doing something that will make you horribly guilty, but keep it in mind.

Goodness, yes, there are always those people who think that mental illness is a moral failure. Kind of makes me want to bring out the bulldozer. I guess it's just as well I'm all the way Over Here, hmm?

Anyway, lots of hugs, even if I can't do chocolate. And no, I don't think that hot chocolate mix goes bad; my family keeps hot chocolate mix in our summer cabin, which no one goes to except (obviously) in the summer. It keeps just fine over winters, and weeks, and months, and years ...