I am currently in one of those 'I am worthless, woe is me' moods.
This is because nobody has successfully managed to lift the belief that I've done everything that I came here for - everything useful I will ever do in my life - and I ought not to exist any more, because the only thing I'm capable of is causing people suffering.
This isn't helped by worrying that Nicholas won't like Word Alive and will be miserable for the whole week because of me, like at the CU Houseparty I dragged him to, and have wasted money and holiday time on it. It also isn't helped by my supervision having been delayed for an hour, giving me time in which I can do little else but sit around and be morbid - I can't get on with Group Project stuff because I'm waiting on other people having done things, I can't get on with supervision work because I need to be in my room with all my notes to do the only bit that's outstanding, I can't sort out the Room Ballot thing because I need to hear back from my parents, I can't tidy my room or clean it because I'm in the lab, not there, I don't have enough unblankness to write anything that people will enjoy reading, and whenever I try and pray it always gets around to 'but I'm so useless I don't see why You put up with me' and then I start to cry, which is not the best of things to do in a public computer room.
Only ten more minutes to my supervision; but the depression is an ongoing thing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's being caused by the Group Project stress, but I've basically not got up all this year - I lost how to live in the summer, lost even more of it over Christmas, and now I can't find any joy in anything. Life still has its moments, but the background level is lower than it used to be, I'm sure - instead of looking forwards to a time when I can do whatever God's been preparing me for, I feel like I've done it and now I'm just dead weight, that I'm finished with. And a part of me wants that because it means I can be lazy and not do anything and not bother (which is different to not worrying, but it also pretends that the difference doesn't exist).
Also, I have Not Been Drinking Enough Water. Recently my water bottles seem to catch the dreaded Tastes Of Algae disease almost immediately, and I've been spending a lot of time in the lab where I'm not allowed to bring water. This really doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions for keeping water bottles fresh? I think I would be an awful lot happier just through the simple expedient of eating better and staying properly hydrated.
This is because nobody has successfully managed to lift the belief that I've done everything that I came here for - everything useful I will ever do in my life - and I ought not to exist any more, because the only thing I'm capable of is causing people suffering.
This isn't helped by worrying that Nicholas won't like Word Alive and will be miserable for the whole week because of me, like at the CU Houseparty I dragged him to, and have wasted money and holiday time on it. It also isn't helped by my supervision having been delayed for an hour, giving me time in which I can do little else but sit around and be morbid - I can't get on with Group Project stuff because I'm waiting on other people having done things, I can't get on with supervision work because I need to be in my room with all my notes to do the only bit that's outstanding, I can't sort out the Room Ballot thing because I need to hear back from my parents, I can't tidy my room or clean it because I'm in the lab, not there, I don't have enough unblankness to write anything that people will enjoy reading, and whenever I try and pray it always gets around to 'but I'm so useless I don't see why You put up with me' and then I start to cry, which is not the best of things to do in a public computer room.
Only ten more minutes to my supervision; but the depression is an ongoing thing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's being caused by the Group Project stress, but I've basically not got up all this year - I lost how to live in the summer, lost even more of it over Christmas, and now I can't find any joy in anything. Life still has its moments, but the background level is lower than it used to be, I'm sure - instead of looking forwards to a time when I can do whatever God's been preparing me for, I feel like I've done it and now I'm just dead weight, that I'm finished with. And a part of me wants that because it means I can be lazy and not do anything and not bother (which is different to not worrying, but it also pretends that the difference doesn't exist).
Also, I have Not Been Drinking Enough Water. Recently my water bottles seem to catch the dreaded Tastes Of Algae disease almost immediately, and I've been spending a lot of time in the lab where I'm not allowed to bring water. This really doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions for keeping water bottles fresh? I think I would be an awful lot happier just through the simple expedient of eating better and staying properly hydrated.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 03:28 pm (UTC)From:So we live in a perfect world now? There's nothing left to improve on? Could have fooled me. We both know you can't fix everything, but look around you - there's plenty left to do, and every little helps. I know you are capable of much more than causing suffering. (And I think you probably give yourself too much credit in doing that, though I admit I don't know why you say that in the first place.)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 03:38 pm (UTC)From:*hugs* See you Saturday.
A Viewpoint
Date: 2005-02-24 03:47 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 05:07 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 05:24 pm (UTC)From:Bicarbonate of soda for algae; I even have some.
Water, sugar and distractions for depression. Enemy this evening!
Hi
Date: 2005-02-24 06:45 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)You lighten up my life. Please don't leave it.
Douglas
Adarisa insisted on replying to this....
Date: 2005-02-24 06:47 pm (UTC)From:Your life is never run until you die; every action has meaning, and every moment has purpose. The significance or otherwise of our actions is only rarely ours to judge, and the usefulness is definitely not.
To claim before your life is even a quarter run, that your purposes are fulfilled, is folly when you cannot even fortell what the next day holds. If you feel you have no purpose, then your purpose is to search out a new goal!
To claim that you can only cause suffering is worse, and demonstrably false (Ask
To learn to take joy from each experience, and to share it, is the essence of success in life. Ultimately, life is the pursuit of happiness, and being prepared to attempt the impossible the key to the greatest success in it.
I'm not going to touch the Christian comments; I think Rebecca Borgstrom vaguely addresses them here as to why He would put up with you - it's because He loves you, and that's what lovers do. But I'm a Buddhist, and I restrained the paragraph I'd written on Dukkha, so blowed if I'm going to go on about someone else's religion...
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Date: 2005-02-24 06:49 pm (UTC)From:I do know the feeling with the prayer bit. However, I come from a family that is what my father refers to as "Jewish Catholic" (cf. Fiddler on the Roof) where God is very much a part of everyday life, and we don't hesitate to say things like "You had better have a very good reason for doing this and when I get up there I will want to know why and if You don't then I will do everything I can to make the rest of Your existence as uncomfortable as possible so You had better bloody hope You're infallible." Which is probably technically blasphemy but does make one feel better. A prayer along those lines might help. "Dear Lord, I've been feeling miserable for the past while, which You've probably noticed, and I would just like to say that if you don't have a really good reason for it, if this isn't growth towards a point where I don't ever have to do this again, if you don't have some gigantic road-to-Damascus enlightenment on the beauty of the world that will stay with me forever so that I can even find beauty in a flat slab of concrete under a grey sky, then You are going to have so much explaining to do when I get up there. I can accept it if it's for a reason, but it's getting rough and I don't want it to go on. Give me the strength to make it through and I'll do my best to make it up to You. Amen."
I liked the comment above on pretending to have already committed suicide. I mean, please don't kill yourself, because sooner or later I really want to meet you, but it might do you good to think for a day about what they world would be like if you were dead. Every tiny thing you do, from saying hi to a friend to calling your parents to taking over a small republic (a girl can dream), is moving with purpose, and it's a good purpose.
Especially if you're a benevolent dictator with competent advisers....you want me to put you in touch with Aloysius? He's in Cambridge too, and he's a great person to have as a friend, and he's been putting a lot of effort into having fun this term. I think it might do you good.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 12:34 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 11:01 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 07:03 pm (UTC)From:Maybe you are the sort of person that is made less randomly depressed by the right drugs - go bug a doctor and get happy pills.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 08:20 pm (UTC)From:And yeah I recommend talking to a doctor about this if you haven't already; if this is clinical depression, the longer you put off treatment, the harder it'll be to get cured, and even if you're not clinically depressed a starting dose of Prozac is hardly going to kill you (I won't mention Seroxat here though...)
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Date: 2005-02-25 12:32 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 09:46 pm (UTC)From:But they more than half help.
They say all the things that a very long essay, and possibly several pictures, would be unable to convey.
*HUGGLES*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 10:31 pm (UTC)From:On another note, no matter how bleak the outlook might be, it will get better. Not much comfort I know right now but just keep going. I went through something similar and i remember prayign every day "Lord please get me through this, get me through another day" and slowly but surely He did.
Also, you have no idea what effect you have on people, things you just dismiss can have an amazing impact on their lives. Even saying hi to someone in the street can make their day.
Oh and you did a great job as a "junior team mentor" at XF :)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 12:31 am (UTC)From:Did I? I thought you were doing such a good job as Junior Team that I mostly ought to just leave you to it... mostly I was in awe of your experience at looking after hoardes of screaming children, as my experience so far was only one XF... I'm glad I managed to be of some use anyhow!
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Date: 2005-02-24 11:00 pm (UTC)From:I very much second the above recommendation to go to a doctor and see about getting screened for depression. Medication can be a big help. You might also see if you can get some counseling -- you have some extra stresses to deal with that the average person doesn't have to deal with, and some help in talking it out might be a good thing. I talk to a doc every two weeks about coping with BPD; it's invaluable.
A very wise man once suggested to an acquaintance of mine that it was foolish to try and evaluate one's faith when one was feeling depressed; you have no ability to be objective about it. I suggest yelling at God on a regular basis (God can take it, trust me) and not worrying too much about whether you have divine favor at the moment. If you look at the Bible, God favored an awful lot of people who were far from perfect. You might read Psalms; David must have been haunted by depression judging by some of what's in there. He spent a lot of time yelling at God, too. And whining. And David was a major screwup at times, even while he was busy being one of the best kings Israel ever had.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 12:30 am (UTC)From:I don't really do tea; I have some instant hot chocolate which I've made myself two cups of in the entire time I've been at university so far. I wonder if it ever goes off.
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 04:19 am (UTC)From:Goodness, yes, there are always those people who think that mental illness is a moral failure. Kind of makes me want to bring out the bulldozer. I guess it's just as well I'm all the way Over Here, hmm?
Anyway, lots of hugs, even if I can't do chocolate. And no, I don't think that hot chocolate mix goes bad; my family keeps hot chocolate mix in our summer cabin, which no one goes to except (obviously) in the summer. It keeps just fine over winters, and weeks, and months, and years ...