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Today I have been mostly running on autopilot. There are so many things that need doing, and obviously I'm not doing any of them. I lost my maths, so I can't even try and do something towards it before my supervision, the last question on the matsci question sheet is stupid and annoying, and I generally want to fold up and have a good cry, but I can't, because I want to keep appearing strong and happy and everything for the benefit of all the people I know and those who are supporting me and those who need my support.
Also, I don't have time.
Ugh. I just know I'm about to go and make a big scene out of my maths supervision, because I'm just going to explode. It's not even as if I've really managed to hold it all together (my room's a state, I can barely find time for a shower every other day or even longer apart at times, I've got spots again, I keep getting dehydrated, I'm convinced my nutrition in general is appalling, and despite all the walking I'm doing (which I won't be doing any more because there's a bus) I'm still getting fat because I keep eating vast quantities of free food which is all rubbish and stuff). I could do with, I don't know, sleeping for a week, someone I can tell everything to and have them say 'it's okay, you're doing fine, don't worry, you haven't failed'... but everyone knows each other and so there isn't anybody that I can tell everything, because it would be unfair on somebody else somewhere down the line.
Now I probably look like I've been crying and people will try to comfort me, which I hate as well, because I know they'll really be curious as to what's going on or discouraged by me falling apart or try and give me advice I already know or worry about me or put themselves out trying to help me and just make me feel more guilty for being such a burden on people...
...and yes, I am going to leave this unlocked, because someone ought to know. Just bear in mind what I said about comforting me. I'll get over it, but if you get too close (and try and support me - I'll still try and support any of you if you need it), I might scratch and bite.
Also, I don't have time.
Ugh. I just know I'm about to go and make a big scene out of my maths supervision, because I'm just going to explode. It's not even as if I've really managed to hold it all together (my room's a state, I can barely find time for a shower every other day or even longer apart at times, I've got spots again, I keep getting dehydrated, I'm convinced my nutrition in general is appalling, and despite all the walking I'm doing (which I won't be doing any more because there's a bus) I'm still getting fat because I keep eating vast quantities of free food which is all rubbish and stuff). I could do with, I don't know, sleeping for a week, someone I can tell everything to and have them say 'it's okay, you're doing fine, don't worry, you haven't failed'... but everyone knows each other and so there isn't anybody that I can tell everything, because it would be unfair on somebody else somewhere down the line.
Now I probably look like I've been crying and people will try to comfort me, which I hate as well, because I know they'll really be curious as to what's going on or discouraged by me falling apart or try and give me advice I already know or worry about me or put themselves out trying to help me and just make me feel more guilty for being such a burden on people...
...and yes, I am going to leave this unlocked, because someone ought to know. Just bear in mind what I said about comforting me. I'll get over it, but if you get too close (and try and support me - I'll still try and support any of you if you need it), I might scratch and bite.
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Date: 2003-11-10 11:10 am (UTC)From: