Ah, lovely. Someone flipped the 'time for a nervous breakdown' switch.

[chess]

Today I have been mostly running on autopilot. There are so many things that need doing, and obviously I'm not doing any of them. I lost my maths, so I can't even try and do something towards it before my supervision, the last question on the matsci question sheet is stupid and annoying, and I generally want to fold up and have a good cry, but I can't, because I want to keep appearing strong and happy and everything for the benefit of all the people I know and those who are supporting me and those who need my support.

Also, I don't have time.

Ugh. I just know I'm about to go and make a big scene out of my maths supervision, because I'm just going to explode. It's not even as if I've really managed to hold it all together (my room's a state, I can barely find time for a shower every other day or even longer apart at times, I've got spots again, I keep getting dehydrated, I'm convinced my nutrition in general is appalling, and despite all the walking I'm doing (which I won't be doing any more because there's a bus) I'm still getting fat because I keep eating vast quantities of free food which is all rubbish and stuff). I could do with, I don't know, sleeping for a week, someone I can tell everything to and have them say 'it's okay, you're doing fine, don't worry, you haven't failed'... but everyone knows each other and so there isn't anybody that I can tell everything, because it would be unfair on somebody else somewhere down the line.

Now I probably look like I've been crying and people will try to comfort me, which I hate as well, because I know they'll really be curious as to what's going on or discouraged by me falling apart or try and give me advice I already know or worry about me or put themselves out trying to help me and just make me feel more guilty for being such a burden on people...

...and yes, I am going to leave this unlocked, because someone ought to know. Just bear in mind what I said about comforting me. I'll get over it, but if you get too close (and try and support me - I'll still try and support any of you if you need it), I might scratch and bite.

Comments

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

Look like fifth week come early :/ *hugs*

The University Counselling Service have people to ramble at for free. Or there's always SP and IM.

[naath.livejournal.com]

It *is* 5th week...

[ruhe.livejournal.com]

Even though it maybe feels like it, you aren't the first person to have gone through coursework hell - and most of us survived and maybe even did better than we thought we would.

It's ok to dumb out feelings, it's ok to feel frustrated, it's more than ok to feel overwhelmed.

Hang in there. If you don't feel like you can do it by yourself, Marn's right - some external people (like the professionals) might help.

[emperor]

Glad you're feeling better (I note from a later entry), but. And yes, you almost certainly know all of what I'm about to say anyway, but sometimes it helps to have it said again (and there's always the "delete" option).

• It's 5th week of your first term in Cambridge. 5th week is for a lot of people the worst point of term - everyone gets behind, but term isn't near enough over for the end to be in sight.
  
• You don't *have* to pretend to be big and brave and clever all the time - I know lots of people in Cambridge do it, but it's not necessarily a great idea. We all need to cry on our friends sometimes - that's at least partly what they're there for.
  
• If you're worried about being a burden on people, try talking to someone who isn't term-based: postgrads, your tutor, your chaplain, the Counselling Service
  

Sorry if this is teaching my grandmother to suck eggs. And don't worry, you wouldn't be the first entity I've tried to help that's scratched and bitten me ;-)

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

Gosh, is it really fifth week already? Guess I was wrong about its being fifth week come early.

[marble.livejournal.com]

*hug* (Yes, you can scratch and bite me if you like :P )

[joncooper.livejournal.com]

Borrow 'Declaration' from Neil, if you don't have it, and listen to track 12.