./~ Nothing in this ugly world comes easily. ~\. ('cept it's not ugly. it's pretty. stupid world.)

[chess]

Want painispretty back. (Or at least to, y'know, prove she's alive.) She hasn't posted anywhere or appeared on AIM since New Year's Eve. This makes me a worried little Chessypig.

Am a useless schmuck. Have now spent 1.5 days doing absolutely nothing. Every now and again I attempt to stare at code, but the thought of trying to deal with it properly makes me feel sick. I can't even write EvilHPFanfic today. I need to make some kind of gesture towards 'revising P4' to keep my parents happy; and reading the shiny new book they bought me for Law.

I don't even think I *want* to go to Cambridge any more. Not only do I not like the idea of having to work at things, I think I'll never get off this mountain there.

I never did post the thing about the mountains. I guess I'm just sitting here right now. Every now and again I do another burst of climbing. But I'm still on the wrong mountain. And every day it gets harder to go back down and start again.

I feel like swearing a lot. But I can't, because I'm a Good Little Chessypig. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe so wholeheartedly in God. Then I could just do what I wanted and not have to deal with this nagging feeling that I'm on the wrong mountain, that I'm going the wrong way, that I need to just let myself go and slide down, because then I can start climbing the right mountain. After all, it's a long way up, and none of us know how long we've got.

For probably the first time in my life, I am afraid of dying.

Comments

Dont worry

[dr-vannacutt.livejournal.com]

i fear dying all the time except when im most likely to die. when im on my bike. Plus in my interesting set of morals wasting time isnt so bad. And swareing isnt bad its just an outlet of emotions and if you feel you need to sware then mabey you should?

If you think what im saying is roung somehow then sorry but i know what the fear of death is like and thought you needed to hear something like this?