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Where does a day go?
Today I got into the lab about noon, decided to read old lecture notes for lectures I hadn't been to instead of go to the Types lecture. I would, I thought, get lunch at about 1:30pm, then head into town to buy cheese and meat and food-making stuff to repelenish my stocks, head over to the Careers Fair to get my CV checked out by the Careers Service and possibly get some careers advice, wander back via the IT Fair thing, have a shower, and *then* it would be this kind of time, or maybe an hour later.
Instead, I have sat here since then. I have applied for another job, forgetting to save the Random Burble About Core Competencies for future forms yet again. I have read slightly over half of the notes for a course I only made it to half the lectures on which is now finished. I completely forgot to do my supervision work for tomorrow's supervision, which is what I'll be doing when I finish writing this, but I needed to vent. How did I manage to take up five hours reading half a course worth of notes and filling in a job application form? I have very briefly done other things, like read the scrollback on IRC and write some email, but that couldn't have taken more than an hour, an hour and a half if I'm feeling pessimistic.
And now my day is basically over; I'll do these two exam questions, and by then it will be past 6, and I will have to run off to Hall in order to have eaten *something* today (I did eat breakfast), and then out to this Hill Celebration thing at 6:50pm, and that will be all.
Wah.
Today I got into the lab about noon, decided to read old lecture notes for lectures I hadn't been to instead of go to the Types lecture. I would, I thought, get lunch at about 1:30pm, then head into town to buy cheese and meat and food-making stuff to repelenish my stocks, head over to the Careers Fair to get my CV checked out by the Careers Service and possibly get some careers advice, wander back via the IT Fair thing, have a shower, and *then* it would be this kind of time, or maybe an hour later.
Instead, I have sat here since then. I have applied for another job, forgetting to save the Random Burble About Core Competencies for future forms yet again. I have read slightly over half of the notes for a course I only made it to half the lectures on which is now finished. I completely forgot to do my supervision work for tomorrow's supervision, which is what I'll be doing when I finish writing this, but I needed to vent. How did I manage to take up five hours reading half a course worth of notes and filling in a job application form? I have very briefly done other things, like read the scrollback on IRC and write some email, but that couldn't have taken more than an hour, an hour and a half if I'm feeling pessimistic.
And now my day is basically over; I'll do these two exam questions, and by then it will be past 6, and I will have to run off to Hall in order to have eaten *something* today (I did eat breakfast), and then out to this Hill Celebration thing at 6:50pm, and that will be all.
Wah.
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no subject
Date: 2005-11-10 05:12 pm (UTC)From:The more I read of what you are doing and not doing, the more I am convinced that what I am seeing is undiagnosed depression. Your description of a day spent doing almost nothing but sitting and then wondering what has happened to the day, with the feeling of worthlessness that goes with it, mirrors very closely my own experiences in 1979-80.
Unfortunately, I can't give you any practical advice on how to overcome it quickly. The support of friends who love you and who will support you unconditionally is the key to it all, in many ways.
I know that you have a faith, and that you will keep it through everything, as that seems to be one of the things that sustains you, as it sustained me.
You are not alone, there are many who have been down the same road before, but that won't help you at the moment.
Obsessive behaviour: with you, it seems to be spodding and other forms of cyberslacking; with me (there was no internet then) it was listening to the same music over and over, and doing other things that were bad for me too.
A day will zip by while you just sit there, and you have no idea where it has gone.
As for you, you are now in your final year, and the question seems to be whether you will get a 2:1 or not. Be encouraged, even though you might not feel it. With me, the question was whether or not I would pass my first year examinations.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-10 07:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-11-10 10:27 pm (UTC)From:Sounds like quite a lot to me. Would almost certainly take me more than 5 hours to do that.
The Cambridge system has a strange way of making the people going through it think the inordinate amount of work that they do each day is actually very little and insignificant. Just remember, that no one there is actually on top of everything there. The whole point is you don't need to be, you just need to persevere and pull yourself through.
One of the things that makes a Cambridge Degree worth quite a bit on a CV is that is it's basically a badge saying "I managed to survive being burried alive in work"... and it's this that's worth a lot more than whatever result you get in the end.
Do you switch off from work when you go to things like the Hill Celebration thing? I know it's easier said than done, but if not try to make sure you do. Everyone needs a bit of recovery time to ease the stress.