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I feel like I'm not posting enough, but on the other hand I feel like there's nothing to say.
Maybe I should be truthful:
1) I'm not making it to lectures about half of all mornings, instead sitting in my room and spodding mindlessly because I don't have the mental energy to do anything else.
2) I haven't got a project sorted out, although I have now managed to extract a meeting from my DoS, 2pm tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to salvage something (and spend all Thursday afternoon writing up a proposal).
3) My room is a complete pit, in which I have lost my engagement ring, a front door key to Oblivion and Nicholas' gloves, and I haven't washed my hair for rather too long.
Other than that I have been going through the motions of living, especially making up characters for and attending role-playing games, because then I can pretend that I'm someone else and don't have all of this doom hanging over me.
I can't help but feel that I am on the wrong course, but I'm not sure any other course would really be any better at this level; I want to Have Things To Do and to Do Things, but it appears that I can't do that without working 9 till 5, and we all saw how well I coped with that over the summer (hint: not very - I could survive but only if I did nothing in the evenings and basically became a working automaton).
I keep coming up with plans to make things better and then sabotaging them so I can spend more time basically sitting and staring at the wall.
I think I am mostly a burden to my friends.
Maybe I should be truthful:
1) I'm not making it to lectures about half of all mornings, instead sitting in my room and spodding mindlessly because I don't have the mental energy to do anything else.
2) I haven't got a project sorted out, although I have now managed to extract a meeting from my DoS, 2pm tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to salvage something (and spend all Thursday afternoon writing up a proposal).
3) My room is a complete pit, in which I have lost my engagement ring, a front door key to Oblivion and Nicholas' gloves, and I haven't washed my hair for rather too long.
Other than that I have been going through the motions of living, especially making up characters for and attending role-playing games, because then I can pretend that I'm someone else and don't have all of this doom hanging over me.
I can't help but feel that I am on the wrong course, but I'm not sure any other course would really be any better at this level; I want to Have Things To Do and to Do Things, but it appears that I can't do that without working 9 till 5, and we all saw how well I coped with that over the summer (hint: not very - I could survive but only if I did nothing in the evenings and basically became a working automaton).
I keep coming up with plans to make things better and then sabotaging them so I can spend more time basically sitting and staring at the wall.
I think I am mostly a burden to my friends.
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 07:27 pm (UTC)From:"I also know what's wrong...but this doesn't seem to help either"
I have that problem too, when one is genuinely depressed I think it's often the case :/ People often say that identifying a problem is half-way to solving it, but in fact it's often none of the way to solving it in my experience. Not that I'm trying to diagnose you with clinical depression, but you know what I mean. Minak.