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./~ I'm taking
All you down with me ~\.
Grr. *People*.
./~ I won't listen
To anyone's last words
There's nothing left for you to say
Soon you'll be dead anyway ~\.
I don't feel like reasoning. You can't reason a feeling, not properly, if only because the words for it aren't there. And I can't even make up names, yes they're all stolen, let alone words.
./~ No-one here is getting out alive ~\.
I feel sooo destructive right now. And for once I don't think directing it at myself is going to work, because what I want to destroy isn't physical, it's mental, no not even that - it's words, it's an entity of words and thoughts and ideas, a *construction* and that's why I hate it... I want to *delete* things, I want to format my hard drive, I want to kill websites, I want to *destroy* information, because what I want to destroy is a creature of information.
./~ This time I've really lost my mind and I don't care ~\.
I need to lash out, but I don't want to at the same time; I'm still scared. I just can't do it, I can't lash out at my friends, and I don't have the energy to lash out at my enemies. Maybe I don't care any more about this thing, but I just can't not care, which is even *more* infuriating. I want to hurt things, but the things are not people, although they are part of people and products of people.
./~ So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times you spent and what they meant
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's NOTHING ~\.
It's almost a mantra, those lines. To me it's *nothing*. To me it's *nothing*. If only that were true, I want that to be true, that's why I want so badly to destroy it, because then it will be nothing, and maybe it will leave me alone...
./~ I'm losing
All my happiness ~\.
I was happy. I was actually *happy* for once... no more than a week ago, I think. And now I'm depressed again, not really depressed, just so *angry*...
Grrrrrrr! I can't hear the words out of the next bit, and I can't really go and get the CD case right now, 'cos parents would want to know why.
./~ I'm taking it all out on you
And all the shit you've put me through ~\.
One of the qualifications I used to choose which of the random ppl who friended me I put in my friends list was whether they had swearing on their LJ or not.
This morning I was told that I maybe shouldn't take all the shit I get given, the way I've been doing so, mostly, ever since I was told that I wasn't making enough effort to have friends, firstly way back in primary school then again in about Y8. But most of the time I don't get burdened by it, I like it in some obscure way 'cos if I get it it means no-one else does.
But I'm really taking about the shit that this has put me through, that I've brought upon myself for the most part, even though it was a reaction to other people. Bring your oldest clothes or buy our unique disposables for Shitshower. If it was a game, I could erase things, I could forget things, I could mess with continuity, I could get myself a new me.
So it's not all the shit you've put me through. It's all the shit I've put me through. But I'm still taking it out on you.
./~ Do you ever think back
To another time
Does it make you so so mad
You think you've lost your mind ~\.
I was singing this this morning too. Not sure I was thinking anything else than random depressive things then tho.
I think back to lots of times. I do tend to like me-now better than me-then, usually. But I still focus on the things me-then had that I've lost, and wonder why I lost them when I liked them so much, and wonder why I can't have them again.
And sometimes I want to kill me-then for being so damn stupid.
Can't hear this next bit either. They sing too fast.
./~ To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing ~\.
I've almost calmed down now. That's another thing that's annoying about myself, I change so fast. Which can be good because I don't mourn much and I don't stay angry long, but it's also no use because it means I never change anything until change is forced on me, which is always painful and nasty, even though because I change so fast I adapt to it, even though it feels like I never will be able to at the time.
I wanted to feel nihilistic, damn it. Now I just feel spoilt and selfish and bratty, like I want to pull wings off flies just because they're more pathetic than I am.
All you down with me ~\.
Grr. *People*.
./~ I won't listen
To anyone's last words
There's nothing left for you to say
Soon you'll be dead anyway ~\.
I don't feel like reasoning. You can't reason a feeling, not properly, if only because the words for it aren't there. And I can't even make up names, yes they're all stolen, let alone words.
./~ No-one here is getting out alive ~\.
I feel sooo destructive right now. And for once I don't think directing it at myself is going to work, because what I want to destroy isn't physical, it's mental, no not even that - it's words, it's an entity of words and thoughts and ideas, a *construction* and that's why I hate it... I want to *delete* things, I want to format my hard drive, I want to kill websites, I want to *destroy* information, because what I want to destroy is a creature of information.
./~ This time I've really lost my mind and I don't care ~\.
I need to lash out, but I don't want to at the same time; I'm still scared. I just can't do it, I can't lash out at my friends, and I don't have the energy to lash out at my enemies. Maybe I don't care any more about this thing, but I just can't not care, which is even *more* infuriating. I want to hurt things, but the things are not people, although they are part of people and products of people.
./~ So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times you spent and what they meant
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's NOTHING ~\.
It's almost a mantra, those lines. To me it's *nothing*. To me it's *nothing*. If only that were true, I want that to be true, that's why I want so badly to destroy it, because then it will be nothing, and maybe it will leave me alone...
./~ I'm losing
All my happiness ~\.
I was happy. I was actually *happy* for once... no more than a week ago, I think. And now I'm depressed again, not really depressed, just so *angry*...
Grrrrrrr! I can't hear the words out of the next bit, and I can't really go and get the CD case right now, 'cos parents would want to know why.
./~ I'm taking it all out on you
And all the shit you've put me through ~\.
One of the qualifications I used to choose which of the random ppl who friended me I put in my friends list was whether they had swearing on their LJ or not.
This morning I was told that I maybe shouldn't take all the shit I get given, the way I've been doing so, mostly, ever since I was told that I wasn't making enough effort to have friends, firstly way back in primary school then again in about Y8. But most of the time I don't get burdened by it, I like it in some obscure way 'cos if I get it it means no-one else does.
But I'm really taking about the shit that this has put me through, that I've brought upon myself for the most part, even though it was a reaction to other people. Bring your oldest clothes or buy our unique disposables for Shitshower. If it was a game, I could erase things, I could forget things, I could mess with continuity, I could get myself a new me.
So it's not all the shit you've put me through. It's all the shit I've put me through. But I'm still taking it out on you.
./~ Do you ever think back
To another time
Does it make you so so mad
You think you've lost your mind ~\.
I was singing this this morning too. Not sure I was thinking anything else than random depressive things then tho.
I think back to lots of times. I do tend to like me-now better than me-then, usually. But I still focus on the things me-then had that I've lost, and wonder why I lost them when I liked them so much, and wonder why I can't have them again.
And sometimes I want to kill me-then for being so damn stupid.
Can't hear this next bit either. They sing too fast.
./~ To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing ~\.
I've almost calmed down now. That's another thing that's annoying about myself, I change so fast. Which can be good because I don't mourn much and I don't stay angry long, but it's also no use because it means I never change anything until change is forced on me, which is always painful and nasty, even though because I change so fast I adapt to it, even though it feels like I never will be able to at the time.
I wanted to feel nihilistic, damn it. Now I just feel spoilt and selfish and bratty, like I want to pull wings off flies just because they're more pathetic than I am.
no subject
Date: 2001-06-04 10:10 am (UTC)From:Do you have an inner Sath?
Date: 2001-06-04 12:02 pm (UTC)From:*hugs* I wouldn't beat yourself up over changing (or anything at all), you probably think you can't help it but nothing is worth beating yourself up for, other ppl are no way worth beating yourself up for. Thats what my inner Sath says. Trust your inner Sath, if you feel like crap, go torture the damn flies.