I am feeling very melodramatic today.

I don't know if that's the right word, but here are some snippets:

1) Maybe this holiday has been to teach me that my time is not, in fact, intrinsically valuable, because when I own it I waste it wholesale and don't even feel better for it; I am not the kind of person who will do all those things she meant to do. It seems that the less free time I have, the more I do with it. It remains to be seen whether this will make me less depressed when I go to work.

2) The world has that 'fall of the Roman Empire' feeling at the moment. Apart from the actual top of the pile, who make up a vanishingly small quantity of the human population, I am in fact just about at the pinnacle of human endeavour at the moment, in the 'how much stuff / free time / support I have' stakes. But there's a fear underneath it all - the barbarians are at the gates, and we've forgotten how to grow food.

3) Hell is that moment when you are depressed and you know that nothing will do any good and you're breathing in ready to sob again and the world goes red and pink and there's nothing but pain, physical and emotional pain all gathering into one, and you know that despite it all you will keep breathing and dry your eyes and carry on like nothing's wrong. Also, I'm not sure I have forgiven God for attempting to let me grow up. I want to be held and spoon-fed and told it is all okay, but I don't think I'm at the kind of stage where that will happen or would do any good.

4) I am deeply, deeply afraid. I am afraid that I will not be good enough at my job. I am afraid that civilisation will implode around me. I am afraid that the floor will give way and I will fall, screaming and naked, through other people's homes. I am afraid that I will give in to my self-destructive urges (which just seem to be getting worse) and stab myself or jump off a bridge or deliberatly mess up my medication. I am afraid that I am not doing enough for God (but I don't know what He wants from me). I am also cynical; I do not believe that anyone or anything can help me with my problems. I do not think that anything can take the pain away, no matter how much I want it gone.

5) I think I know what my personal morality is now, and it is rather strange. What I care about - what persists - is honesty and openness. My idea of the perfect world is one where everyone knows everything about everyone, and all of the reasons why that is a bad idea are dealt with in various ways; the rest of my morality just follows from wanting to make that utter openness and transparancy practical. Of course, reality imposes on top of that; I know that God exists and is roughly in line with the general consensus on the Christian God and hence modify my practiced morality (the morality that I feel bad about breaking) accordingly. But at the heart of things, that is what I care about.

(no subject)

On a less melodramatic and more practical note:

I have an almost complete paralysis of action at the moment. If I'm alerted to things I am quite capable of doing them, but left to my own devices I shut down almost entirely. I tend to spend my days naked and indoors, sitting at the computer. Simple tasks like washing and shopping are beyond me. It is the initation that is the problem; once a task is initiated I can complete it just fine, but I find it very hard to initiate.

(no subject)

For the benefit of people who are concerned about me:

Almost all of my depression can easily be traced to physiological issues, namely, not eating and drinking correctly (also, to a lesser extent, not getting enough sleep (and *regular* enough sleep) and not maintaining adequate personal hygiene). I can generally tell when I have a minor illness like a cold coming because I get 'my future is bleak and unpromising'; if I don't drink enough water, I get 'oh the woe and pain of my bleeding raw heart' and if I don't eat enough / well enough I get the lack of ability to start doing things.

Of course, this is a self-perpetuating cycle...