(no subject)

I've had a really good day today, but I'm exhausted now...

This morning I had a Biology paper, it was only an hour and most of it was pathetically easy - they gave us a big table full of information then basically said 'okay, now tell us all the information we just gave you in the table'... so that wasn't bad. Managed to corner Mrs Reeve about the other day, too. After giving me extra time I didn't want in Chemistry, she failed to sort out the extra time in History I was meant to have. She sounded very apologetic, and explained that someone hadn't turned up for the exam so they'd been rushing around trying to get them into school. Thankfully I wasn't too worried 'cos I'd realised about halfway through and it hadn't been really necessary to have the extra time, it just would have been nice 'cos I almost like my handwriting when I've been taking time over it.

Then we had to wait around for Naath 'cos the exam was only an hour long and we'd been expecting it to be longer, so we went and handed lots of Sath's textbooks back. I got caught by Mrs Pipe again tho - I'd put half my books in her pigeonhole, which she found as I was standing there saying 'I put my books in your pigeonhole', but she does still know there's some missing so I'm going to have to dodge her for the next two years - I almost managed to dodge her today 'cos I ran away the first time I spotted her but she caught me when we went back when we thought the coast was clear. Chatted with some random people about random things when waiting outside, then went back to the locker area and were just discussing whether to go annoy more teachers or eat the fish from the pond when Naath showed up.

We first went down to Costa 'cos there's a place Naath could lock up her bike there. There were peanuts on the ground being eaten by some pigeons - I can't resist chasing pigeons, but Sath held onto my ponytail and stopped me catching any - they were really lazy and weren't taking off in time so I prolly could have touched one if Sath hadn't been holding me. Then we spent quite a while wandering around Chelmsford in search of somewhere decent to eat - I really wanted a Chinese restaurant, for no good reason, but most of them were either far too expensive or closed. Finally we found one that claimed to be closed but when Naath went and looked it claimed it was open in about 5mins so we waited a couple of minutes and it opened. They were really good - a really nice all-you-can-eat buffet for only £4:50... it's a shame I can't eat as much as I used to... anyway, the spring rolls and rice were really nice (that's mostly what I had), except the spring rolls were a bit of pot luck - one of them I bit into was *really* hot and spicy, and I had to steal one of Sath's ice cubes out of her Coke to recover. Naath then claimed it, took a big bite, and almost exploded 'cos it was so spicy, so we passed it on to Sath and she cheerfully ate all the rest of it without as much as a blink.

After that we wandered back to Costa, where we'd intended to go eat lunch but had decided against 'cos they only do sandwiches and cakes there in the way of real food and it's very expensive for what you get, and had random chocolate - well, Naath and I had hot chocolate and chocolate cake, and Sath had a Pepsi and one of Naath's marshmellows 'cos she's insane and doesn't like chocolate. Stayed there quite a while cos the chairs are comfy and I was too full to move...

I briefly considered catching the 2:07 train back at that point, but we decided to go window shopping instead. Then I spotted a toy shop and we just *had* to go in... our stated aim was to try and buy a plastic harpoon gun to harpoon brownriders in the swimming pool at XF *grin*, but we couldn't find anything of the sort unfortunately. We *did* find something we wanted to buy, but they didn't have quite the right one, so we asked at the desk (collecting another strange look from the shopkeeper, we're good at that...) and they directed us to another shop where we got the right one from. (Not gonna tell you all what it is cos one of you might spoil the surprise!)

Then we had to get back to Costa where Naath's bike was so she could get back to school in time for some maths revisiony thing that she hadn't got any books for or anything. So we sat on the bench by the bikes and the peanuts for a while (the pigeons had all gone for some reason), and I absent-mindedly picked one of the ones that were still whole up, took off the brown skin (which wasn't broken at all so the nut underneath should still be fine) and ate the nut... then I remembered I don't really like peanuts, although I don't hate them or anything. So I gave one to Sath. Then she remembered she wanted some new headphones, so we went over to Argos and got some, which was really easy - and they have a cool queuing system with a display showing where your product is in the queue, although it's much more impressive when there's more people around than there was today.

By this time it was just about time to go to the station to get my train, so we wandered there. It was really blazing hot in town, and I couldn't take my blazer off because it's just so completely impractical to carry 'cos of all the stuff in the pockets - whatever angle you hold it at something falls out. The train was predictably a bit late, but only five minutes or so. Got held up for longer at Hatfield Peveral, 'cos they had to clear the odd bit of branch line Braintree's on 'cos there's only the one track so only one train can go on it at a time, but still made it back just about in time for my dentist appointment - my mother was waiting for me at the station, and when I'd finally remembered on the train to turn my phone on I had a mournful message from her 'cos I was late.

The dentist appointment lasted all of 30 seconds, which my mother blames on the garlic in my breath :)

So I had a really fun day, but I'm totally shattered now...

(no subject)

./~ Here chewing your tail is joy ~\.

I just thought of another meaning for that - that there is so little joy in captivity that chewing your tail is the best you can do - but it's the first meaning I thought of when hearing that which I'm talking about in this entry.

Here chewing your tail is joy. It suggests that joy is available, even easily available, to you, but instead of being, well, joyful, it's just annoying you, teasing you, even hurting you... chewing your tail. You know you could turn around and deal with it if you wanted to, but there are other things to do... and here chewing your tail is joy...

I'm not being very clear here, am I?

It's since I learnt how I could be happy. And I don't know why I don't make that little effort all the time so I can be happy all the time. But there is a reason, I'm sure, because I just don't. But knowing what is available to me, and how I could live, is constantly worrying at me - chewing my tail, as it were. But I know that... well, it isn't that I wouldn't be happy like that because the whole point is I would. But I wouldn't think as well like that, I don't think as well or analyse myself - which I both like and don't like doing, in an odd kind of way - as well.

Maybe it's that I could stay high, but the more I do it the worse it'd be when I came down, and I'm worried that illness or tiredness might bring me down anyway...

...or maybe I'm just incurably lazy, because there is some initial and periodic effort involved.

It all started when I was told to just lighten up, and said I couldn't for ages - and then I *did* 'just lighten up'. And I know I can do that now, whenever I want to. And that's what the above is referring to. It's a mental thing, mainly, although making the effort to smile and walk more springily and not slouch so much helps the mental effort not to be so great. And then I just have to catch myself whenever I start getting down again and repeat the process. But... hmm, I'm reminded of a line (or two) from Travis now:

./~ That's not you, you know it's true
That won't do ~\.

That kinda sums up my feelings about it - it's not really *me* any more when I do this. But it could be me, a new me... I'm just not sure whether I want to do that right now, if I want to deal with that right now.

This has been a confused and confusing post on behalf of The Insane Chessypig, and serves her right for listening to the Manics when far too tired.