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./~ Here chewing your tail is joy ~\.
I just thought of another meaning for that - that there is so little joy in captivity that chewing your tail is the best you can do - but it's the first meaning I thought of when hearing that which I'm talking about in this entry.
Here chewing your tail is joy. It suggests that joy is available, even easily available, to you, but instead of being, well, joyful, it's just annoying you, teasing you, even hurting you... chewing your tail. You know you could turn around and deal with it if you wanted to, but there are other things to do... and here chewing your tail is joy...
I'm not being very clear here, am I?
It's since I learnt how I could be happy. And I don't know why I don't make that little effort all the time so I can be happy all the time. But there is a reason, I'm sure, because I just don't. But knowing what is available to me, and how I could live, is constantly worrying at me - chewing my tail, as it were. But I know that... well, it isn't that I wouldn't be happy like that because the whole point is I would. But I wouldn't think as well like that, I don't think as well or analyse myself - which I both like and don't like doing, in an odd kind of way - as well.
Maybe it's that I could stay high, but the more I do it the worse it'd be when I came down, and I'm worried that illness or tiredness might bring me down anyway...
...or maybe I'm just incurably lazy, because there is some initial and periodic effort involved.
It all started when I was told to just lighten up, and said I couldn't for ages - and then I *did* 'just lighten up'. And I know I can do that now, whenever I want to. And that's what the above is referring to. It's a mental thing, mainly, although making the effort to smile and walk more springily and not slouch so much helps the mental effort not to be so great. And then I just have to catch myself whenever I start getting down again and repeat the process. But... hmm, I'm reminded of a line (or two) from Travis now:
./~ That's not you, you know it's true
That won't do ~\.
That kinda sums up my feelings about it - it's not really *me* any more when I do this. But it could be me, a new me... I'm just not sure whether I want to do that right now, if I want to deal with that right now.
This has been a confused and confusing post on behalf of The Insane Chessypig, and serves her right for listening to the Manics when far too tired.
I just thought of another meaning for that - that there is so little joy in captivity that chewing your tail is the best you can do - but it's the first meaning I thought of when hearing that which I'm talking about in this entry.
Here chewing your tail is joy. It suggests that joy is available, even easily available, to you, but instead of being, well, joyful, it's just annoying you, teasing you, even hurting you... chewing your tail. You know you could turn around and deal with it if you wanted to, but there are other things to do... and here chewing your tail is joy...
I'm not being very clear here, am I?
It's since I learnt how I could be happy. And I don't know why I don't make that little effort all the time so I can be happy all the time. But there is a reason, I'm sure, because I just don't. But knowing what is available to me, and how I could live, is constantly worrying at me - chewing my tail, as it were. But I know that... well, it isn't that I wouldn't be happy like that because the whole point is I would. But I wouldn't think as well like that, I don't think as well or analyse myself - which I both like and don't like doing, in an odd kind of way - as well.
Maybe it's that I could stay high, but the more I do it the worse it'd be when I came down, and I'm worried that illness or tiredness might bring me down anyway...
...or maybe I'm just incurably lazy, because there is some initial and periodic effort involved.
It all started when I was told to just lighten up, and said I couldn't for ages - and then I *did* 'just lighten up'. And I know I can do that now, whenever I want to. And that's what the above is referring to. It's a mental thing, mainly, although making the effort to smile and walk more springily and not slouch so much helps the mental effort not to be so great. And then I just have to catch myself whenever I start getting down again and repeat the process. But... hmm, I'm reminded of a line (or two) from Travis now:
./~ That's not you, you know it's true
That won't do ~\.
That kinda sums up my feelings about it - it's not really *me* any more when I do this. But it could be me, a new me... I'm just not sure whether I want to do that right now, if I want to deal with that right now.
This has been a confused and confusing post on behalf of The Insane Chessypig, and serves her right for listening to the Manics when far too tired.
