I failed.

[chess]

This week was kind of a test of whether I could survive on my own. And although I'm still alive, I'm pretty sure I failed.

I ate Value Fish Fingers, Potato Waffles, Chicken Supreme Ready Meal, Cheestrings and Frozen Baby Carrots instead of nice baked potatoes and the pork chop and ham and pasta.

I let my grandparents, who do their best but are a little hazy on the whole subject of hygiene, wash up for me. I also let them buy me the aformentioned junk food, and do my ironing. I also let them miss some jeans and then didn't iron them myself. It's too late now, I'm too depressed to iron.

I left my hair an entire week before washing it, until it was so greasy it looked like I had washed it - in sunflower oil. I actually left the house like this on one occasion.

I only left the house twice all week.

I spent too much time on the computer, and applied to another RPG that I don't particularly want to play in, out of sheer braindamagedness. I also convinced some of my friends on SP I was drunk by being excessively random. I also stayed up too late, just being online, despite needing to catch up on sleep.

I didn't finish writing up DWcon, I still haven't uploaded any photos (XF or DWcon), but I read several webcomics and woke up half a dozen randoms on my Trillian lists. And got into a debate on AFP about animal charities and population replacement rates and culling people. And somehow unintentionally insulted Donal, which I feel really guilty about.

I failed to answer the door this morning and have probably caused a lot of hassle with our electricity bills because of this.

Instead of putting any of these things right, I decided to go on the computer and write a horrible long list detailing just how much I suck. This is one of the very worst and lowest ways of fishing for sympathy, perhaps worse than just saying 'I suck, I'm depressed, I'm going to cry now' because it puts your friends through the mind-numbing tedium of reading about all your trivial, inconsequential little woes. And you still expect them to try and cheer you up.

I haven't even been keeping up with my Bible reading and stuff, despite all the time I've been blithely wasting. It shouldn't be so easy to forget and marginalise the One that you love. It makes me feel worried and helpless and alone all over again.

Glorious. Now I'm crying, and I only have an hour to get rid of the telltale redness before my parents come back. Maybe less. Absolutely *wonderful*. I'd love to start swearing right now, but that'll just make me hate myself a bit more and start crying again.

Chessypigs are not solitary creatures.

Oh yes, and my stomach chooses this moment to remind me that I haven't even been taking my Zantac properly. Gah.

Comments

[dreema.livejournal.com]

now if you do this for 3 months on the trot, you'll reach the stage I was at while I was unemployed :) Sanity is such a delicate beast and you don't miss it till it's run out of the window with it's friends hope and good manners ;) You'll snap out of your funk and bounce back in fairly short notice.

Why upset yourself?

[maximus-o.livejournal.com]

:) I think your being a little hard yourself, one or two of the things I personally would never have done HOWEVER no chip pan fires, leaving the oven on, stains on upholstery… it could have been a lot worse, so yes you passed your parents trust test (they will see it like that) and the test you set for yourself??? You had freedom (I’m guessing) for the first time how did you think you would act lol in terms of letting your hair down for the first time, an untrained eye may miss the slips you had. On an unrelated note you should eat healthier foods!!!

[marble.livejournal.com]

Uhh, that's failure? I thought that was more or less normal. Except the having grandparents to do washing up and ironing instead of letting the magic pixies do it.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

I get this way every summer - when I have free time from school/university and nothing much to do. I make all sorts of big plans during the year, when I have no time, to do stuff in the summer. I always fail and then beat myself up about it. Don't bother, it's not worth it.

*hugs*