Michelle Taylor

Last night I dreamed that I lost my glasses, so all day I've been weirdly grateful that they are where they should be.

(In the dream I lost my shoes too. And both in such an obvious metaphor for migration -- on leaving an airport, I had to go through something that was half playground tunnel/slide and half like the brushes in a car wash -- that even in the dream I was like "oh, this is a bit heavy-handed and obvious!")

I got through the latest meeting with my manager this afternoon! I was good and brave and he's happy with how it went.

It's the usual thing he's doing lately where he's like "what DO you do anyway Erik" but this time with an added dose of "and what should you do for the next few months, when both our internal ways of working and the external legislative environment will be different".

Right after this, I got an email that says that as a result of this year's pay ballot my pay has gone up 2.69% (nice). I really can't complain. I'm so glad I'm able to send money to Gaza and Minneapolis and Black trans pals all over the place and whatnot.

And despite being very tired, after I finished work I prepped some dinner, because I wanted to go to the gym and I knew if I didn't do food first it wouldn't happen and I'm very clearly still The One With The Spoon in our household for the second day in a row. (I haven't been doing as ridiculously well since Tuesday, but I'm still feeling that good longer-days energy!)

And then, despite being even more tired, I did actually get changed and go to the gym. It would've been so easy to just flop down on my bed. I'm so proud of myself that I didn't.

Not before breakfast, but also I felt like I was doing the impossible things, not just thinking them...

Work was a lot; I had meetings all afternoon, overrunning into each other, beset by people missing the point. I think another way the power dynamic of people with no (disclosed) disabilities who have to consult disabled people for their work... sometimes someone missed a crucial bit -- we're not just ranking these on their effectiveness but also their difficulty of implementation -- and sometimes one person thinks we need every detail of the specific symbols on the Berlin U-bahn and/or S-bahn maps (this is a breach of the maxim of quantity: as much information as is needed, and no more).

That latter person talked so much at the end that I missed the first train home that I wanted.

And as these meetings were going on, I also had to get something to my manager (artificial sense of urgency!) which I was really unsure of, something I've never done before and am not sure I'm doing right, so that was stressful. I almost think it was easier trying to do it at the same time as the meetings, since it kept me from being able to get too anxious about it; I just had to go "good enough!" and send him the documents at some point.

By the time of the second one, V had put dinner in the oven which meant I didn't have to cook, which was nice (we keep frozen meals around for precisely this kind of day; D was sleeping and V had already used a lot of spoons they didn't really have today and I wasn't home yet).

I just had time to eat that and watch the first inning or so of the Tigers-Twins game (which I didn't have high hopes for because it was a Skubal start, but it apparently went well! (has something happened to the Tigers?? silveradept, you doin' okay?)) before it was time to go help angelofthenorth get two heavy pieces of furniture down two flights of stairs.

I figured it was the kind of thing that would either be pretty quick or pretty grueling, and it was pretty quick. We didn't break anything, including ourselves. I rehydrated a little and walked home because buses are disappointing that time of night; the walk was actually nice: it was still warm even after dark (I'm not used to that yet!), it was clear and quiet, and the exercise was probably good for my muscles. I still struggled to even get myself into the shower when I got home though, heh.

And now painkillers and bed!

I woke up about fifteen minutes before my alarm this morning.

And it wasn't a struggle to get out of bed. Or to have my meds, or get dressed. I checked the weather first, and the predicted high was 69(F, of course), which is nice indeed! So I got to wear a sleeveless top and shorts and sandals.

I started work on time, if not a bit early. It was easy to get my morning chores done, even with a hurty tummy -- I didn't want breakfast yet but I had mint-and-vanilla tea which is my go-to for hurty tummy. I made the regular pot of tea for everyone else, though.

I hung the towels and bedsheets outside -- for the first time this year! -- and was so happy to get to do this, under a bright blue sky, my skin warming in the sun.

I did so many extra little chores during the day! I cleaned my glasses. I cleaned my phone. I refilled the bottles of spray cleaner and toilet cleaner that needed refilling from the 5-liter jugs. I put laundry away. I was able to prepare most of dinner before counseling -- instead of not at all, which is my usual for Tuesdays.

All of this is because the days have gotten longer and the sun has come back out.

Every fall/winter, I worry that I'm just bad at stuff and things will be horrible forever. And every spring, there's a Monday (or in this case a Tuesday) where something in my brain clicks into place when I get a certain amount of sunlight -- not vitamin D from the pills, not lumens from the SAD lamp; I have those things and I'm sure they help but nothing like the fact that the colors are right and the outside is hospitable again.