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Why do I have to be so bloody useless all the time?
Just as I think I'm back on top of things again, just as I think I've finally got everything sorted out, life leaps up and kicks me in the teeth again.
Of course it's perfectly obvious that if you have a doctor's note you hand it into the Invigilator, not the Examinations Officer just because you've been going to her with all the rest of the stuff you've needed. And of course it stands to reason that even though every exam so far she's walked down the same corridor I was waiting for her in, that doesn't mean she's going to do it again, and of course I shouldn't have relied on that, I should have left Penny to do her own revision and gone hunting for the exam person earlier, and of course I should have hunted her out afterwards instead of getting swept up in all the others talking to me about what we'd just spent two hours concentrating on. But I messed up. I'm ill and I never got told what to do (well I did, ages ago on a piece of paper that I never related to a real life situation at all - I can quote it almost verbatim, but never associated that with reality). But I still should have known because it's so *obvious* to everyone else on this stupid planet.
And now I'm going to die in half an hour, or feel like dying anyway, because, well, parents. They ran around for me this morning to get the note, my dad took time off work to get it, and now I've messed up and they think I just 'haven't bothered' enough, and it's probably true although I didn't consciously decide not to bother which is what it sounds like.
I enjoyed some of that maths exam, too - the bits I did afterwards just to satisfy my curiosity on why some of the stuff I'd just learnt actually worked, but still part of the exam. I'm good at maths. I didn't feel useless. I felt a bit useless after I found out what I'd got wrong but at least I could see why it was wrong and had felt uneasy about those answers anyway.
But now I feel useless again, because I still can't do normal things, obvious normal things that everyone can do and cope with and get right and wouldn't even have to think about. And to me that matters much more than being able to do maths because I've always been able to do maths easily, yet I still can't do the normal things, I still can't do *life*.
And then I forgot to wash my hair and had to be reminded, which is something else I've been trying to sort out for a long time and still can't quite get.
And I'm 16 tomorrow. Aren't I meant to be a little more capable of doing the basic things in life, the things we need to do to survive (and survive in society), by now?
Just as I think I'm back on top of things again, just as I think I've finally got everything sorted out, life leaps up and kicks me in the teeth again.
Of course it's perfectly obvious that if you have a doctor's note you hand it into the Invigilator, not the Examinations Officer just because you've been going to her with all the rest of the stuff you've needed. And of course it stands to reason that even though every exam so far she's walked down the same corridor I was waiting for her in, that doesn't mean she's going to do it again, and of course I shouldn't have relied on that, I should have left Penny to do her own revision and gone hunting for the exam person earlier, and of course I should have hunted her out afterwards instead of getting swept up in all the others talking to me about what we'd just spent two hours concentrating on. But I messed up. I'm ill and I never got told what to do (well I did, ages ago on a piece of paper that I never related to a real life situation at all - I can quote it almost verbatim, but never associated that with reality). But I still should have known because it's so *obvious* to everyone else on this stupid planet.
And now I'm going to die in half an hour, or feel like dying anyway, because, well, parents. They ran around for me this morning to get the note, my dad took time off work to get it, and now I've messed up and they think I just 'haven't bothered' enough, and it's probably true although I didn't consciously decide not to bother which is what it sounds like.
I enjoyed some of that maths exam, too - the bits I did afterwards just to satisfy my curiosity on why some of the stuff I'd just learnt actually worked, but still part of the exam. I'm good at maths. I didn't feel useless. I felt a bit useless after I found out what I'd got wrong but at least I could see why it was wrong and had felt uneasy about those answers anyway.
But now I feel useless again, because I still can't do normal things, obvious normal things that everyone can do and cope with and get right and wouldn't even have to think about. And to me that matters much more than being able to do maths because I've always been able to do maths easily, yet I still can't do the normal things, I still can't do *life*.
And then I forgot to wash my hair and had to be reminded, which is something else I've been trying to sort out for a long time and still can't quite get.
And I'm 16 tomorrow. Aren't I meant to be a little more capable of doing the basic things in life, the things we need to do to survive (and survive in society), by now?
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no subject
Date: 2001-06-06 10:38 am (UTC)From:Try not to worry too much about it *hugs*.
Surviving life (and the art of getting others to do it for you).
Date: 2001-06-07 05:59 am (UTC)From:I'm 18 and I can't cope with it, I have to have parents to do it for me instead.
Neil
Re: Surviving life (and the art of getting others to do it for you).
Date: 2001-06-07 12:58 pm (UTC)From: