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Jun. 4th, 2001 05:59 pm./~ I'm taking
All you down with me ~\.
Grr. *People*.
./~ I won't listen
To anyone's last words
There's nothing left for you to say
Soon you'll be dead anyway ~\.
I don't feel like reasoning. You can't reason a feeling, not properly, if only because the words for it aren't there. And I can't even make up names, yes they're all stolen, let alone words.
./~ No-one here is getting out alive ~\.
I feel sooo destructive right now. And for once I don't think directing it at myself is going to work, because what I want to destroy isn't physical, it's mental, no not even that - it's words, it's an entity of words and thoughts and ideas, a *construction* and that's why I hate it... I want to *delete* things, I want to format my hard drive, I want to kill websites, I want to *destroy* information, because what I want to destroy is a creature of information.
./~ This time I've really lost my mind and I don't care ~\.
I need to lash out, but I don't want to at the same time; I'm still scared. I just can't do it, I can't lash out at my friends, and I don't have the energy to lash out at my enemies. Maybe I don't care any more about this thing, but I just can't not care, which is even *more* infuriating. I want to hurt things, but the things are not people, although they are part of people and products of people.
./~ So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times you spent and what they meant
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's NOTHING ~\.
It's almost a mantra, those lines. To me it's *nothing*. To me it's *nothing*. If only that were true, I want that to be true, that's why I want so badly to destroy it, because then it will be nothing, and maybe it will leave me alone...
./~ I'm losing
All my happiness ~\.
I was happy. I was actually *happy* for once... no more than a week ago, I think. And now I'm depressed again, not really depressed, just so *angry*...
Grrrrrrr! I can't hear the words out of the next bit, and I can't really go and get the CD case right now, 'cos parents would want to know why.
./~ I'm taking it all out on you
And all the shit you've put me through ~\.
One of the qualifications I used to choose which of the random ppl who friended me I put in my friends list was whether they had swearing on their LJ or not.
This morning I was told that I maybe shouldn't take all the shit I get given, the way I've been doing so, mostly, ever since I was told that I wasn't making enough effort to have friends, firstly way back in primary school then again in about Y8. But most of the time I don't get burdened by it, I like it in some obscure way 'cos if I get it it means no-one else does.
But I'm really taking about the shit that this has put me through, that I've brought upon myself for the most part, even though it was a reaction to other people. Bring your oldest clothes or buy our unique disposables for Shitshower. If it was a game, I could erase things, I could forget things, I could mess with continuity, I could get myself a new me.
So it's not all the shit you've put me through. It's all the shit I've put me through. But I'm still taking it out on you.
./~ Do you ever think back
To another time
Does it make you so so mad
You think you've lost your mind ~\.
I was singing this this morning too. Not sure I was thinking anything else than random depressive things then tho.
I think back to lots of times. I do tend to like me-now better than me-then, usually. But I still focus on the things me-then had that I've lost, and wonder why I lost them when I liked them so much, and wonder why I can't have them again.
And sometimes I want to kill me-then for being so damn stupid.
Can't hear this next bit either. They sing too fast.
./~ To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing ~\.
I've almost calmed down now. That's another thing that's annoying about myself, I change so fast. Which can be good because I don't mourn much and I don't stay angry long, but it's also no use because it means I never change anything until change is forced on me, which is always painful and nasty, even though because I change so fast I adapt to it, even though it feels like I never will be able to at the time.
I wanted to feel nihilistic, damn it. Now I just feel spoilt and selfish and bratty, like I want to pull wings off flies just because they're more pathetic than I am.
All you down with me ~\.
Grr. *People*.
./~ I won't listen
To anyone's last words
There's nothing left for you to say
Soon you'll be dead anyway ~\.
I don't feel like reasoning. You can't reason a feeling, not properly, if only because the words for it aren't there. And I can't even make up names, yes they're all stolen, let alone words.
./~ No-one here is getting out alive ~\.
I feel sooo destructive right now. And for once I don't think directing it at myself is going to work, because what I want to destroy isn't physical, it's mental, no not even that - it's words, it's an entity of words and thoughts and ideas, a *construction* and that's why I hate it... I want to *delete* things, I want to format my hard drive, I want to kill websites, I want to *destroy* information, because what I want to destroy is a creature of information.
./~ This time I've really lost my mind and I don't care ~\.
I need to lash out, but I don't want to at the same time; I'm still scared. I just can't do it, I can't lash out at my friends, and I don't have the energy to lash out at my enemies. Maybe I don't care any more about this thing, but I just can't not care, which is even *more* infuriating. I want to hurt things, but the things are not people, although they are part of people and products of people.
./~ So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times you spent and what they meant
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's *nothing*
To me it's NOTHING ~\.
It's almost a mantra, those lines. To me it's *nothing*. To me it's *nothing*. If only that were true, I want that to be true, that's why I want so badly to destroy it, because then it will be nothing, and maybe it will leave me alone...
./~ I'm losing
All my happiness ~\.
I was happy. I was actually *happy* for once... no more than a week ago, I think. And now I'm depressed again, not really depressed, just so *angry*...
Grrrrrrr! I can't hear the words out of the next bit, and I can't really go and get the CD case right now, 'cos parents would want to know why.
./~ I'm taking it all out on you
And all the shit you've put me through ~\.
One of the qualifications I used to choose which of the random ppl who friended me I put in my friends list was whether they had swearing on their LJ or not.
This morning I was told that I maybe shouldn't take all the shit I get given, the way I've been doing so, mostly, ever since I was told that I wasn't making enough effort to have friends, firstly way back in primary school then again in about Y8. But most of the time I don't get burdened by it, I like it in some obscure way 'cos if I get it it means no-one else does.
But I'm really taking about the shit that this has put me through, that I've brought upon myself for the most part, even though it was a reaction to other people. Bring your oldest clothes or buy our unique disposables for Shitshower. If it was a game, I could erase things, I could forget things, I could mess with continuity, I could get myself a new me.
So it's not all the shit you've put me through. It's all the shit I've put me through. But I'm still taking it out on you.
./~ Do you ever think back
To another time
Does it make you so so mad
You think you've lost your mind ~\.
I was singing this this morning too. Not sure I was thinking anything else than random depressive things then tho.
I think back to lots of times. I do tend to like me-now better than me-then, usually. But I still focus on the things me-then had that I've lost, and wonder why I lost them when I liked them so much, and wonder why I can't have them again.
And sometimes I want to kill me-then for being so damn stupid.
Can't hear this next bit either. They sing too fast.
./~ To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing
To me it's nothing ~\.
I've almost calmed down now. That's another thing that's annoying about myself, I change so fast. Which can be good because I don't mourn much and I don't stay angry long, but it's also no use because it means I never change anything until change is forced on me, which is always painful and nasty, even though because I change so fast I adapt to it, even though it feels like I never will be able to at the time.
I wanted to feel nihilistic, damn it. Now I just feel spoilt and selfish and bratty, like I want to pull wings off flies just because they're more pathetic than I am.
