chess: (doing some serious work)
( May. 23rd, 2005 02:30 pm)
Um, in the hope of not sounding tremendously mopey, I had a wonderful day yesterday. I started out by giving [livejournal.com profile] mdavison a lift to the Noise, which is an 'event' our church does every now and again where we do odd jobs for the people in Kings Hedges, mostly old ladies who need their garden de-jungled. Then I weeded a garden for a nice old lady who gave us orange juice and talked about her grandchildren, with two girls I vaguely know from church who were quite entertaining and talked about teaching and psychology. When we'd finished, we went back to Daily Bread (a health-food co-operative that we were using as a base) and I talked to Marika in between her running around organising things (which involved little running around and many phone calls - I lent her my phone after both hers and the other organiser's ran low on batteries and needed to be saved for incoming calls). I shared lunch with a bunch of people, then I took a full car of people home around Cambridge.

The afternoon was a bit of a wash-out; I was half-blind and numb from the mental paralysis I've been experiencing lately, so I played computer games until Nicholas showed up. We went to Chapel, which was, as usual, 'nice' but vaguely disappointing, especially because the speaker was talking in fluent Theology rather than making any sense, while repeatedly asserting that what he was saying was essential for everyday Christianity without actually describing any application or giving any proof of this. Then we faffed for a bit, and I finally managed to persuade Nicholas to tag along to Douglas' barbeque.

The actual barbeque bit kind of happened in the garden, and I stayed in the kitchen, because when I got there people were being organised for food preperation, so I spent most of the evening making salads. I like making salads, especially when someone's done all of the difficult and boring going-to-the-shops-and-getting-ingredients stage, and there are plenty of people to eat it so it won't become sad and pathetic and dead. So I made two quite impressive-looking layer salads. It was dark and cold in the garden and there weren't enough seats, so I don't think I would have enjoyed trying to be sociable out there anyhow, and I wasn't very hungry. There was some very nice cheese bread and garlic bread which I nibbled, as well as some nuts.

Eventually I finished making the salads and Nicholas and I went into the nice, well-lit room indoors that nobody was using, and ate nice biscuits and chocolate. I heared Sunhawks on the playlist and commented that it was very good, which led us to fiddling with the computer to make it give us the rest of Oathbreakers, and then Louise bringing out the whole Lackey collection when everyone gradually migrated indoors and found me dancing to Oathbreakers.

I sat listening to cool music and talking to Louise about how Treasure Trap needed more filk for quite a while, until she got bored and changed the music back to the dull playlist, at which point I discovered I was very tired and ought to go home. Once we'd ascertained that Louise actually couldn't make it to TT except possibly for an hour or so on Friday nights, we ran off. I was quite happy and drove home in a slightly dangerous but most enjoyable fashion with loud Evanescence playing. Proving that I was in fact not drunk (I was feeling vaguely passively drunk, although of course I hadn't had any alcohol) I decided against going for a run up the M11 with loud music, and pulled in to Churchill sensibly.

We then played music for a while before falling asleep. In particular, this is remarkable for the line 'And praise will come to those whose kindness leaves you without debt', from Faster Than Light by Neil Finn, which I felt summed up my day - and why it was so excellent, and why life should be like that - quite well.

It's sad that the world doesn't work like that, because I think if I was doing all of the things I am 'meant' to be doing voluntarily then I would find it a lot easier to get them done. There is something about having to do something to 'survive' or to 'be socially acceptable' that makes it almost impossible for me to do it; hence most of the problems I am having.

I am hoping that most of this mind-blankness is due to me being slightly messed up on hormone pills at the moment, as my period is now due, and maybe if I manage to bleed this week I will be back on form for some serious cramming the week before the exams. But... I'm not actually stressed, or worried, or unhappy, although occasionally I feel very frustrated and occasionally I try to make myself feel unhappy because I feel that I ought to be disappointed with myself. I just feel... content. I'm not sure how to actually accept this, though, or indeed whether it's a good idea to.
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Michelle Taylor

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