chess: (just a lizard)
( Apr. 17th, 2005 12:20 pm)
First, a practical thing: does anyone know much about chiropody in Cambridge? I appear to have ingrowing toenails which keep being ingrowing again after I attack them viciously with toenail-cutting implements, and I'd like to find someone competent to work out what's gone wrong, but I don't really know how to go about this without it costing lots of money.

Second, http://www.politicalsurvey2005.com/ is a very good website, and reminds me why I am distinctly puzzled how otherwise perfectly nice people can vote Tory, given their vast preference for the 'hanging/flogging' and 'free market' end of the scale. The free market is not very nice (it promotes inequality which makes people resentful, it means some people starve whilst others live in luxury, it is *not very nice*) and punishing criminals rather than trying to rehabilitate them is also not very nice. I probably have more cogent arguements why each is a bad idea, but fundamentally I object to them because they are Not Very Nice.

Thirdly, it's springtime and sunny, but everything still feels and tastes like dust and ashes to me. I just walked out of church this morning and went home because I felt I was harming the important things that were going on there (lots of prayer for the summer mission and some people going out to do primary healthcare stuff in rural India) just by being there. I'm not really sure what's wrong; I just have that big cloak of cobwebs back.
I am currently in one of those 'I am worthless, woe is me' moods.

This is because nobody has successfully managed to lift the belief that I've done everything that I came here for - everything useful I will ever do in my life - and I ought not to exist any more, because the only thing I'm capable of is causing people suffering.

This isn't helped by worrying that Nicholas won't like Word Alive and will be miserable for the whole week because of me, like at the CU Houseparty I dragged him to, and have wasted money and holiday time on it. It also isn't helped by my supervision having been delayed for an hour, giving me time in which I can do little else but sit around and be morbid - I can't get on with Group Project stuff because I'm waiting on other people having done things, I can't get on with supervision work because I need to be in my room with all my notes to do the only bit that's outstanding, I can't sort out the Room Ballot thing because I need to hear back from my parents, I can't tidy my room or clean it because I'm in the lab, not there, I don't have enough unblankness to write anything that people will enjoy reading, and whenever I try and pray it always gets around to 'but I'm so useless I don't see why You put up with me' and then I start to cry, which is not the best of things to do in a public computer room.

Only ten more minutes to my supervision; but the depression is an ongoing thing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's being caused by the Group Project stress, but I've basically not got up all this year - I lost how to live in the summer, lost even more of it over Christmas, and now I can't find any joy in anything. Life still has its moments, but the background level is lower than it used to be, I'm sure - instead of looking forwards to a time when I can do whatever God's been preparing me for, I feel like I've done it and now I'm just dead weight, that I'm finished with. And a part of me wants that because it means I can be lazy and not do anything and not bother (which is different to not worrying, but it also pretends that the difference doesn't exist).

Also, I have Not Been Drinking Enough Water. Recently my water bottles seem to catch the dreaded Tastes Of Algae disease almost immediately, and I've been spending a lot of time in the lab where I'm not allowed to bring water. This really doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions for keeping water bottles fresh? I think I would be an awful lot happier just through the simple expedient of eating better and staying properly hydrated.
chess: (Default)
( Jan. 12th, 2005 09:17 pm)
I like conferences. They mean I get interesting things like 'guinea-fowl in red wine sauce' to eat in Hall. Even if 'guinea-fowl' is just like slightly rubbish chicken.

Took my poor car to the garage today, had some mechanics do £52 of incomprehensible things to it, which apparently have fixed the boot door and the gear linkage problem that was making it slip out of first gear, but not the squeak because it was doing the whole 'act nice for the mechanics' thing, or the passenger door because that required a part replacing which cost over £50 on its own.

Went to the doctor's on Monday; they recommended that I switch contraceptive pills and told me that the new ones were safe to take for two months in a row. So that was some useful information. Shame I got the appointment time wrong due to having temporarily misplaced my Psion, and hence ended up sitting in the waiting room for an hour listening to old ladies talk about a new housing development and reading back issues of 'Woman' and a National Geographic from 1994. Managed to actually get my prescription on the way to pick up the car, although still forgot to go to the dentist's and work out what Paperwork of Doom I require to get registered with them.

So I did most of the things I had planned for today, although I really need to stop procrastinating on writing CVs. The problem is, I have now written them for the two companies I actually want to work for, so I'm less enthusiastic about doing so for the four or so others which I feel I ought to apply to. The dreaded meh appears to have worn off, though, which is good.
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Michelle Taylor

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