chess: (doing some serious work)
( Jun. 6th, 2005 05:29 pm)
As I confidently predicted, today's paper went fine. However, I still feel rather like I cheated somehow, because it only went fine because I revised the Exact Correct Thing To Revise this morning, which I feel is almost certainly the effect of the people who are praying for me... credit should also go to [livejournal.com profile] tienelle who explained my Data Structures and Algorithms course to me far better than the notes or the textbook managed (or, indeed, my supervisor, who suffered from English Not First Language problems).
An extensive post-mortem follows, of course )
I should probably do some last-minute revision for the next few papers, since today's last-minute revision worked so well, but first - Spod!
chess: (doing some serious work)
( May. 23rd, 2005 02:30 pm)
Um, in the hope of not sounding tremendously mopey, I had a wonderful day yesterday. I started out by giving [livejournal.com profile] mdavison a lift to the Noise, which is an 'event' our church does every now and again where we do odd jobs for the people in Kings Hedges, mostly old ladies who need their garden de-jungled. Then I weeded a garden for a nice old lady who gave us orange juice and talked about her grandchildren, with two girls I vaguely know from church who were quite entertaining and talked about teaching and psychology. When we'd finished, we went back to Daily Bread (a health-food co-operative that we were using as a base) and I talked to Marika in between her running around organising things (which involved little running around and many phone calls - I lent her my phone after both hers and the other organiser's ran low on batteries and needed to be saved for incoming calls). I shared lunch with a bunch of people, then I took a full car of people home around Cambridge.

The afternoon was a bit of a wash-out; I was half-blind and numb from the mental paralysis I've been experiencing lately, so I played computer games until Nicholas showed up. We went to Chapel, which was, as usual, 'nice' but vaguely disappointing, especially because the speaker was talking in fluent Theology rather than making any sense, while repeatedly asserting that what he was saying was essential for everyday Christianity without actually describing any application or giving any proof of this. Then we faffed for a bit, and I finally managed to persuade Nicholas to tag along to Douglas' barbeque.

The actual barbeque bit kind of happened in the garden, and I stayed in the kitchen, because when I got there people were being organised for food preperation, so I spent most of the evening making salads. I like making salads, especially when someone's done all of the difficult and boring going-to-the-shops-and-getting-ingredients stage, and there are plenty of people to eat it so it won't become sad and pathetic and dead. So I made two quite impressive-looking layer salads. It was dark and cold in the garden and there weren't enough seats, so I don't think I would have enjoyed trying to be sociable out there anyhow, and I wasn't very hungry. There was some very nice cheese bread and garlic bread which I nibbled, as well as some nuts.

Eventually I finished making the salads and Nicholas and I went into the nice, well-lit room indoors that nobody was using, and ate nice biscuits and chocolate. I heared Sunhawks on the playlist and commented that it was very good, which led us to fiddling with the computer to make it give us the rest of Oathbreakers, and then Louise bringing out the whole Lackey collection when everyone gradually migrated indoors and found me dancing to Oathbreakers.

I sat listening to cool music and talking to Louise about how Treasure Trap needed more filk for quite a while, until she got bored and changed the music back to the dull playlist, at which point I discovered I was very tired and ought to go home. Once we'd ascertained that Louise actually couldn't make it to TT except possibly for an hour or so on Friday nights, we ran off. I was quite happy and drove home in a slightly dangerous but most enjoyable fashion with loud Evanescence playing. Proving that I was in fact not drunk (I was feeling vaguely passively drunk, although of course I hadn't had any alcohol) I decided against going for a run up the M11 with loud music, and pulled in to Churchill sensibly.

We then played music for a while before falling asleep. In particular, this is remarkable for the line 'And praise will come to those whose kindness leaves you without debt', from Faster Than Light by Neil Finn, which I felt summed up my day - and why it was so excellent, and why life should be like that - quite well.

It's sad that the world doesn't work like that, because I think if I was doing all of the things I am 'meant' to be doing voluntarily then I would find it a lot easier to get them done. There is something about having to do something to 'survive' or to 'be socially acceptable' that makes it almost impossible for me to do it; hence most of the problems I am having.

I am hoping that most of this mind-blankness is due to me being slightly messed up on hormone pills at the moment, as my period is now due, and maybe if I manage to bleed this week I will be back on form for some serious cramming the week before the exams. But... I'm not actually stressed, or worried, or unhappy, although occasionally I feel very frustrated and occasionally I try to make myself feel unhappy because I feel that I ought to be disappointed with myself. I just feel... content. I'm not sure how to actually accept this, though, or indeed whether it's a good idea to.
chess: (just a lizard)
( Mar. 21st, 2005 11:05 am)
If I ever manage to extract myself from the computer to pack my bag (a task I've been putting off on account of some of my clothes still being wet), I'll be driving to Skegness for Word Alive (part of Spring Harvest) today. I'm still slightly apprehensive as I don't really know the people I'm going with that well and Nicholas has ended up going with a different group, and we'll be surrounded by lots of Scary Evangelicals; also, I still feel a bit dazed from being ill.
Tags:
I am currently in one of those 'I am worthless, woe is me' moods.

This is because nobody has successfully managed to lift the belief that I've done everything that I came here for - everything useful I will ever do in my life - and I ought not to exist any more, because the only thing I'm capable of is causing people suffering.

This isn't helped by worrying that Nicholas won't like Word Alive and will be miserable for the whole week because of me, like at the CU Houseparty I dragged him to, and have wasted money and holiday time on it. It also isn't helped by my supervision having been delayed for an hour, giving me time in which I can do little else but sit around and be morbid - I can't get on with Group Project stuff because I'm waiting on other people having done things, I can't get on with supervision work because I need to be in my room with all my notes to do the only bit that's outstanding, I can't sort out the Room Ballot thing because I need to hear back from my parents, I can't tidy my room or clean it because I'm in the lab, not there, I don't have enough unblankness to write anything that people will enjoy reading, and whenever I try and pray it always gets around to 'but I'm so useless I don't see why You put up with me' and then I start to cry, which is not the best of things to do in a public computer room.

Only ten more minutes to my supervision; but the depression is an ongoing thing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think it's being caused by the Group Project stress, but I've basically not got up all this year - I lost how to live in the summer, lost even more of it over Christmas, and now I can't find any joy in anything. Life still has its moments, but the background level is lower than it used to be, I'm sure - instead of looking forwards to a time when I can do whatever God's been preparing me for, I feel like I've done it and now I'm just dead weight, that I'm finished with. And a part of me wants that because it means I can be lazy and not do anything and not bother (which is different to not worrying, but it also pretends that the difference doesn't exist).

Also, I have Not Been Drinking Enough Water. Recently my water bottles seem to catch the dreaded Tastes Of Algae disease almost immediately, and I've been spending a lot of time in the lab where I'm not allowed to bring water. This really doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions for keeping water bottles fresh? I think I would be an awful lot happier just through the simple expedient of eating better and staying properly hydrated.
Summary: I did lots of work. The Internet went away and came back. There was a small amount of surreality. I did even more spod.

The boring details:
Tuesday 15th )Monday 14th )Sunday 13th )Saturday 12th: )Friday 11th: )Thursday 10th )Wednesday 9th )Tuesday 8th )Monday 7th )Sunday 6th )Saturday 5th )Friday 4th )Thursday 3rd )Wednesday 2nd )Tuesday 1st )
So, uhm, that's the month so far. Now my long-delayed period is due, so I should be Great Fun for the next few days...
.

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Michelle Taylor

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